The Love By Design Book Ezine

2011-06-20T11:19:00.000-07:00

Narcissist Series Part 4 - Realizing It Is Not A Quick Fix

Hi Everyone,

I am finally back on schedule for the continuation of our Narcissist Series. There will be 3 more videos to the series which have been inspired by the correspondence between one of our Counsellor in a Box Customers by the name of A.W.

The topics A.W. discusses and the way of how he explains his views and experiences is amazing so I just had to share and continue on with the series in order to be able to get his information and messages out to everyone.

For today's video called Narcissist Series Part 4 - Time: Realizing That This Is Not a Quick Fix is exactly what the title says, I have included the Transcript of the Video below as well as the 1st email by A.W. by the same title.

Click on the Link Below To View The Video:

http://youtu.be/rn3_xZJXUSs

Transcript

Hi It is Melody Chase, Co-author of our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Program. (http://www.counsellorinabox.com)

The next 3 parts of our Narcissist Series is going to be based on a series of emails by A.W. one of our Counsellor in a Box Customers whose wife left him for a Narcissist.

A.W. sent me an email called Time: Realizing This Is Not a Quick Fix and he really captured the feeling and reality of what it is like to realize that whatever caused your partner to become ensnared into the Narcissist's web is going to take a long time to unravel itself and the Narcissist is the Effect but the cause is a mixture of what was going on in your relationship, what was going on with you and what was going on with your partner.

So it is going to take patience and a lot of healing and courageousness on your part if you choose to remain open to getting back together with to your ex-partner.

We had another Counsellor in a Box Customer not A.W. but a female Customer who was prone to panicking and arguing and trying to prove to her ex-partner that they belonged together - after about 6 months she realized all she was doing was pushing her partner away more into the web that the Narcissist has spun.

Our customer was able to detach and her and her ex-partner got into a comfortable balance where her ex-partner after trying to do the best he could to push her away, once given the space came to her and was more honest about his feelings for her and that even though he always wanted to be with someone like this other woman - that had this other woman not hit all the right buttons to ensnare him that he never would have left his partner and that he did still love her and thinks about her all the time.

He was honest in believing that he could never leave the other woman because he was too wrapped up in her and he was sure that this is what he wanted but at least he was no longer saying whatever he could to push our customer away and our customer was at peace knowing that if one day if he was able to overcome his ego desires and fears as well as subconscious mind programs and imprinting and chose self-love over the Relationship addiction or external fix, distraction and searching as a result of his mid-life crisis that she knew he knew she was his home and she was his home as well.

So the two of them got along separately for the next year, the customer had moments where she would panic but for the most part she was living life to the fullest, working on her career and taking care of family, catching up with old friends and making lots of new ones.

Then at about the 1 and 1/2 year mark something began to shift in the customer - it is often common that after a break up at the 1 and 1/2 year point the person who is left behind gets to a point where they are ready to potentially carry on - although others say there is a correlation between how long you are in a relationship as to how long it takes a person to get over the relationship - we will be going over in more detail on that in one of our upcoming Narcissist Series Videos.

In any case the customer was at a new level of detachment and even though the customer is still in-love with her ex-partner she is feeling neutral about seeing other guys and even though it still fulfilling in other ways than with her ex-partner with these other men - at least she is open to whatever unfolds and has companionship.

Then a funny thing happened - instead of further detaching the Customer began to get impatient and demanding instead with her ex-partner and began trying to push him and use the fact that she had guys lined up down the street to force him to take action quicker.

Instead all she got was a devastating repeat of her ex-partner telling her the truth as to why he would never leave the other woman as if no progress had been made in the year and a half and this almost devastated our customer especially since she had been doing so well on focusing on removing a lot of her fears and patterns that had an influence on why they broke up in the first place and everything was thrown back fresh in her face again.

Since reading our Counsellor in a Box Program she knew it was her subconscious mind puppeting her ex, especially because of all the progress she was making, her subconscious mind which has a default program to keep things at a status quo (we all have this built in system) regardless whether this was beneficial to her or not - so if she was making a lot of progress this was an opportune time for the subconscious mind to throw whatever it could at her and see if she would break.

She recovered quite quickly but she realized in that moment whether she likes it or not - there is a process to healing and a process as well that her ex-partner has to go through in order to be able to resolve his mid-life crisis and until both of them are at the same level of higher consciousness and vibration and self-love and unconditional love that she was going to have to settle in and know and not be in resistance to the fact that the situation was not a quick fix and she was going to have to pace herself and be okay with time passing and know that if they are meant to be all of this will all be worth it at the end of the day.

In regards to mentioning that she was now interested in other men - she was being honest about it and this part of the discussion did work in her benefit because for the 1st time her ex-partner realized that there is a potential of her carrying on and he now did truly have to make decisions as to what he wanted to do in his life? - so the best thing she can do now from this point is allow events to unfold while having the confidence and patience that everything will work out for the Highest and Best.

The other question that a person may have is - well, if her getting another boyfriend may have caused a turning point with her ex-partner why didn't she just do this right away when her ex-partner 1st left for the other woman?

Although we will never know for sure chances are the ex-partner was too wrapped up in the other woman and did not have enough time to find out what he was in for with the Narcissist so nothing would have got through to him at that early stage of the game and being so soon after the break-up this would have created a situation where our customer would have been susceptible to a rebound relationship or being a target of an Narcissist herself due to the level of hurt and vulnerability she would have been in at the time.

At least at this point she has time to recover, find herself and her gain her confidence back and more and is able is able to determine whether she is ready to date and know what she is getting herself into.

We will go into more detail about whether a person should date or not when still interested in getting back with their ex-partner in an upcoming Narcissist Video.

In order to find more about the email that inspired this video - please see the comments section on my http://www.counsellorinabox.com/blog and http://www.lovebydesignbook.com below this video.

If you have any questions you can contact me or Robby at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Thank you, have a wonderful day and bye for now!

Melody Chase
http://www.trueloveondemand.com
http://www.lovebydesignbook.com
http://www.counsellorinabox.com
http://www.retrievealover.com
http://www.relationshipbeach.com
http://www.lifequestpublishing.com
Email: relationshipcentre@shaw.ca
(204)475-0323

Here is the Email mentioned in the Video by A.W.

Time: Realizing It Is Not A Quick Fix

Hello again Melody,

These points keep coming to me, this morning as I drive to work....

Time...when this situation explodes we (men at least) are in a hurry to fix, we panic and try to fix everything immediately.
In my experience I asked 'how long will this process take?'

It seems that there is possibly some science involved with calculating your recovery time related to how long you have been in your relationship, but nobody that I am aware of has done this research.

Anyway I was told that there was a correlation between the age your partner is when they slip of the rails and how long it lasts, but when I think about it there is probably also of a link between age and the length of the relationship. I was told that the duration for my wife (aged 50) was likely to be 3-4 years. Younger and it will be shorter, as if this thing has been brewing since childhood and finally pops.

It will be interesting if it is accurate.

When I heard this (3-4 years) I was horrified and wanted to just give up because it was so traumatic and I wanted it over and I was reactionary and almost insane. At age 58 you think you don??t have the time to waste, but this is not waste it is time to understand.

But what you must realize, as a partner, is that the process started a long time before you were aware. Thirty percent of this process has been brewing while you were dreaming. Now you are awake and in panic and calming down for the middle 30 percent (probably at least a year of turmoil) and then either you have killed the relationship dead (yes you) or you have detached and view the situation from a position of strength.

When (if) your partner comes out of this they will be looking for your strength and understanding, your unconditional love and forgiveness. It is not their fault, not your fault.

This is human development that skipped a stage and processes it later in life. (this is my view) .

I say all these things but I am not sure my own outcome will be positive, or if I will want to be with my partner of 30 years. But I will always love her in some way, that is clear and what I see in the past is all positive. a 30 year marriage is some success.

Actually even now the outcome is positive. I feel younger, have a more light attitude and I am more relaxed. It is a huge learning process, painful but I would not have missed it for the world.

Finally I understand more about women. But that is another subject.

~A.W.~

2011-05-16T18:10:00.000-07:00

Ego Versus Authentic Desires: How To Find Your Ultimate True Highest and Best Soul-mate

Do you ever wonder if your partner is your Highest and Best Ultimate Soul-mate? Do you ever wonder why you are having difficulty or doubts in figuring out whether your current partner or ex-partner is the one for you? Is something just not feeling right like it used to in your relationship?

We may have some answers to your confusion in our Special Sneak Peek Introduction Video to our Mini Ebook Ego Versus Authentic Desires: How To Find Your True Ultimate Highest and Best Soul-mate which is a Special Bonus from our Love By Design Program.

Check our Our Sneak Peek Video Here:

If you have any questions you can contact Robby Bilton, Developer of the Love By Design Program or myself at relationshipcentre.ca

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase
Centre For Life Management
http://www.lovebydesignbook.com
http://www.trueloveondemand.com
http://www.counsellorinabox.com
http://www.retrievealover.com
http://www.lifequestpublishing.com
Email: relationshipcentre@shaw.ca
(204)475-0323

2011-05-13T13:52:00.000-07:00

LOVE BY DESIGN SPECIAL PROMOTION!

Hi Everyone,

I'm happy to announce that we are having a Special Love By Design Promotion - Starting from Friday 13th 9pm EST until May 17th Midnight EST.

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See Below For More Details as well as visit us at http://www.lovebydesignbook.com

Plus if you have any questions you can contact Robby, Developer of the Love By Design Program or myself at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

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2011-03-27T01:53:00.000-07:00

Relationship Advice: What To Do When Your Partner Left You For a Narcissist – Part 3

Hi Everyone,

In This Part 3 of the 3 Part Video Series – Relationship Advice: What to Do When Your Partner Left You for a Narcissist – I explain how wanting to be back together with your ex-partner when the other man or woman is a Narcissist is a unique situation and what is the right thing to do and what is the right Mindset to have during the Meantime as you wait for your partner to return.

Click Here For Video Part #3:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22dIzv8Dbeg

Video #3 Transcript

Hi Everyone,

It is Melody Chase.

Welcome to Part 3 of our Relationship Advice Series Video #3 – What Do to When Your Ex-partner has left your for an Narcissist.

If you haven’t watched Part 1 and Part 2 of this Series I would recommend watching those videos first and then join us here for Part 3.

In Part One I described what a Narcissist is, in Part 2 I explained how they managed to basically kidnap your partner and how they are keeping the hold on our partner as your partner is under the Narcissist’s control.

Now for Part 3 I will explain why being someone who wants to get back with the ex-partner who is with a Narcissist is unique and what it is that you have to do in order to wait out the Meantime Process in order to get back with your ex-partner.

When people find out you are holding a candle for your ex-partner most people think you are crazy, your partner is not deserving of having you back since they did chose to be with this other man or woman plus your partner originally initiated a relationship with this other man or woman.

Most People don’t understand what you are talking about when you say a “Narcissist kidnapped your partner” or the Stockholm Syndrome is in effect” – they pretty much think your relationship is a lost cause, you just don’t want to admit defeat, your partner is simply happier with someone else and it is time for you to carry on and find someone who will unconditionally love you for you and will make you happy.

However, a Counsellor in a Box Customer who is in this situation right now with his own wife who chose to be with another man who is a Narcissist explained the situation in the best way I ever heard, he said:

“A person in my position can accept that a Mid Life crisis is a mental lapse and potentially something that lasts a few years, often connected to hormonal changes (both men and women) and that many individuals are damaged by insensitive treatment as children which results in them becoming Narcissists in adulthood who seek out people who are vulnerable to becoming a source of Narcissistic Supply such as someone going through a Mid-life Crisis – others would be able to understand then and realize that you need tolerance and understanding as you cannot change progress, but only by not reacting to make things worse is the route that one can take until the process runs its course.”

So this situation is real, it is much more common then a person imagines but you and many other partners like you out there find yourself isolated and alone because no one understands what you are going through and can’t figure out why you just don’t give up or give your ex-partner an ultimatum – it’s eithor you or the other man or woman and that’s it.

Unfortunately, unlike a normal situation where a person has left for another man or woman and it is simply a matter of an ultimatum or waiting on the contrast effect for their partner to come back kicks in – give you ex-partner an ultimatum between you and the Narcissist or do anything rash or confrontal your ex-partner will not only chose the Narcissist they will be ensnared closer to the Narcissist.

If Narcissists feel threatened in anyway they will eithor seek to destroy the threat like the Terminator in which ever way they can (and they know how to use the Court system because they have used it to their advantage many times before so always be careful not to threaten the Narcissist yourself even if the Narcissist threatens first – just keep your own records of events or report any threats to the police but never initiate anything yourself) or if the Narcissist sees you as a threat the Narcissist will reign in your ex-partner even closer and go so far as to even threaten to get a Private Investigator to keep an eye on you and your ex-partner (tapping phones is not beyond the scope of ideas) and will request to see your partner’s phone-bills to a be able to account for anything that you ex-partner is doing and the Narcissist can totally get away with doing this because they hold your ex-partner over the barrel by threatening to leave if he or she doesn’t agree to the Narcissist’s terms.

The Narcissist will also often use the excuse that they have been taken advantage off and cheated on so many times in the past they just can’t handle being cheated on so they have to protect themselves and it is nothing personal to your ex-partner

The emotional terrorism also creates a negative association to you – it is so scary and stressful for your ex-partner to have contact with you even if they desire to do so gets to a point where it doesn’t feel like it is worth it to do so any longer and you are seen as the source of their unhappiness and/or potential unhappiness instead of Narcissist.

The Narcissist’s stories of woe about having been so wrongfully hurt in the past by partners will also convince your ex-partner that is it morally wrong to go behind the Narcissist’s back.

What the Narcissist is really doing is using your ex-partner as a source of? Narcissistic Supply by putting your partner between a rock and a hard place generating overwhelming guilt from your ex-partner to a point where there are too emotionally exhausted to even come to a win-win solution to order to have contact with you.

The Narcissist will also be keeping regular tabs on their Narcissistic Supply even without any reason so it will seem as if they have a 6th sense and will interrupt any contact you will attempt to have with your ex-partner anyway.

The only direction you can go in this situation then is not to be a Narcissistic Supply yourself (chances are you, yourself are also vulnerable to Narcissists so it was both you and your partner who drew the Narcissist in, in the first place) and do not further create opportunities for your ex-partner to be a source of Narcissistic Supply as well.

So what you need to do is not give the Narcissist the time of day and do not react to anything that the Narcissist and your ex-partner are doing together – protect your health, peace of mind, family, business and finances – otherwise let your ex-partner come to his or her own realizations of the situation that they are in.

So if you can keep some contact with you ex-partner and when in contact be polite, warm, friendly and loving plus if you can use the chance to resolve any old issues the two of you have had (this creates bonding and a clearing of blocked energy for the two of you) otherwise just let your ex-partner be.

It may seen throughout the course of this Video Series that we are being really dis-empowering to your ex-partner as if they don’t have a mind of their own – but by letting them be they will find out for themselves whether they are truly happy or not with this Narcissist -it is not your place to point it out to them – it is your place to offer them a supportive place to go if they chose to get out and that you will always love them and you are going to make the best of your life in the meantime and stay healthy and strong and be successful so that if he or she chooses to come back they will come back to a person who is whole, healthy and ready to rebuild a relationship with him or her.

The biggest challenge is that it may take longer than you were expecting to wait for your partner to come back – but as Bono from U2 once said “Love is patient, and what the soul loves the soul is willing to wait for” and you will find strength that you never new existed within you and you will find resources to support you along the way.

Speaking of resources – in the Youtube Write-up along with with in our Counsellor in a Box Blog at counsellorinabox.com/blog and our Love By Design Blog at lovebydesignbook.blogspot.com I list some further resources about Narcissists for you in a variety of different areas.

As well anyone who orders our Counsellor in a Box Program at counsellorinabox.com and Love by Design Program at lovebydesignbook.com you receive a Free Session via Skype, Phone or Email with Robby, The Director of the Centre for Life Management and receive unlimited email access to myself where we can give you further support and information about how to manage the meantime while your ex-partner is with a Narcissist.

If you have any questions you can contact myself or Robby at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Thank you, have a Wonderful Day and Bye for Now!

Melody Chase

A Special Message From the Counsellor in a Box Customer Mentioned in Part 3 of our Video Series

Upon watching Part 3 of our Series the Customer Who I mentioned in the Video was inspired to share this very important message with those who are dealing with Partners Who Have Left To Be With a Narcissist

“What I notice is that when the narcissist thinks he has won, he will rest. He thinks he has done it. If you have followed the plan as outlined by Melody, then is the time to still be distant, still give the impression of being ‘defeated’, but be completely agreeable to everything your partner requests (within boundaries) so that your partner feels safe and secure with you but without thinking that you want them back. Be their best friend but be wanting nothing in return.

In this way you have your self respect as you are a strong independent individual, BUT YOU ARE SO STRONG that you can be able to accept requests that are of no consequence to your position.

People considering this, in the previous stages that I have been through, will think this is rubbish because they may not have reached the stage of detachment yet. The pain will still be too strong. But we all get there… be patient, it will come.

For me this agreeable position was to allow my wife more money monthly. I was actually stepping away from the relationship but giving her more. In this way you give ground but take it back by giving the knowledge that you want nothing but the well being of your partner.

You see this is unconditional love AND the narcissist cannot do that. Narcissists only love themselves (because of their past trauma) and cannot genuinely show empathy.

What you do, after the pain has subsided in giving is a genuine act of love which is purity. Oh my God I have found religion.

But you cannot do this until it feels right AND you MUST give yourself time. We cannot all do this, it is the feature of a strong person. But there are enough of us out there.

The very nature of reading this or watching Melody’s videos mean that YOU ARE a strong person.

Weak people walk away from marriage when it gets rocky.

This is the difference between a good marriage and a narcissist captivating your partner. Unconditional love a narcissist cannot compete with, because it is not part of their fabric.

Thank you Melody, I cannot tell you what an inspiration these videos are.”

~A.W.~

Further Information and Resources on Narcissists:

The link for the full definition of the Narcissist Personality Disorder from wiki. answers.com is:

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_definition_of_the_Narcissistic_Personality_Disorder#ixzz1H4dvOnD

Part 1 “I, Psychopath” a Video Documentary about a Psychopath/Malignant Narcissist named Sam Vaknin who has dedicate his life helping others to understand Psychopaths and Narcissists.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKn4IYpXK6g

Narcissism: The Web of Illusion, Discover The Truth About Narcissism By Kaleah LaRoche

http://www.narcissismmalignant.com/

Love Fraud: How To Know When Love Is A Con Website

http://www.lovefraud.com/\

Malignant Self- Love: Narcissism Revisited

http://samvak.tripod.com

You Can Save This Marriage – Larry Bilotta’s Marriage Expert Website (Recommended by our Customer mentioned in Part 3 – Larry was able to assist our Customer? in learning how to block negative feelings and enhance positive – something that is key in order to be happy and successful during the Meantime Process as your partner goes through his or her process with the Narcissist)

http://www.youcansavethismarriage.com/

Reality Transurfing – By Vadim Zeland ( Also Highly Recommended by Our Customer Mentioned in Part 3 – he says in the section of the book that talks about Pendulums – the book explains about how easy it is to recognize Narcissists and how to deal with them)

http://zelands.com/e_book1.htm

Toxic Parenting: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

http://www.susanforward.com/author.htm

Recover From Narcissistic Abuse!- Kaleah LaRoche

http://www.narcissismfree.com/

How To Survive Cheating and Narcissism Healing From an Addiction To a Narcissist – By Maria Ava

http://www.articlesbase.com/infidelity-articles/how-to-survive-cheating-and-narcissism-healing-from-an-addiction-to-a-narcissist-996354.html

Narcissistic Abuse by Anne Brady

http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/

Other Websites Mentioned:

Counsellor in a Box Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com and Love By Design Program at http://www.lovebydesignbook.com

Any questions you can reach Robby or myself at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

2011-03-27T01:24:00.000-07:00

Relationship Advice: What To Do When Your Partner Leaves You For a Narcissist – Part 2

Hi Everyone,

Here is Part 2 of the Relationship Advice Video: What To Do When Your Partner Left You For a Narcissist.

In This Video I explain how the Narcissist ensnares your Partner and keeps a hold of him or her.

Click on The Link Below To Watch Video Part 2:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79EaTdA1nyg

Video #2 Transcript:

Hi – It it Melody Chase – Welcome to Part 2 of our Relationship Advice Videos Series #3 called What To Do If Your Partner of Has Left you for a Narcissist.

For a definition of a Narcissist see Video #1.

Now for Part 2 let’s discuss How the Narcissist Ensnares Your Partner.

So the way how the Narcissist works is that they seek out potential partners who are vulnerable and susceptible to being codependent and a source of Narcissistic Supply – this is someone who can be controlled by fear, guilt and shame in order for the Narcissist to get the attention fix they desire.

Anyone of any personality or level of education and life experience can become a source of Narcissist Supply – we all have our Kryptonite – something that creates fear in us and the Narcissist knows how the find our Kryptonite and especially if we have been the Narcissistic Supply for a Narcissistic Parent when we were growing up this increases our chances of drawing in Narcissistics that we can be vulnerable to as adults.

So the Narcissist will penetrate a couple by starting off as friends, business associates or an employee with one or both members of the couple – it is just as important to befriend and gain the trust of you as it is your partner in order to pump information out of you about your partner and to gain your trust and unlimited access to your partner.

In The beginning stages there is a lot of information gathering and a Narcissist will be your partner’s number one fan – admiring him or her and be 100% supportive of your partner and your partner’s beliefs and what they offer to the world.

Then with all information gathered in regards to your partner’s history and vulnerabilities especially since your partner is going to tell this new fan every little detail about their life and history because your partner is just loving all this attention, admiration and support – The Narcissist will now lie in wait for however long it takes for you and your partner to hit a low point in your relationship.

Usually it doesn’t take long since if the Narcissist has been drawn into your lives your partner has already been suffering from low-self esteem since “like attracts like’ and underneath the charm and the well-groomed presentation of the Narcissist they cover the fact that they have low self-esteem and in fact have a self-loathing towards themselves.

This is often because as children they came from abusive or neglectful homes and experienced a lot of trauma and they end up having so much hate built up towards themselves and their parents they are not willing to forgive or heal which is how the Narcissist Personality Disorder develops and continues to exist for them.

Speaking of well-groomed presentation – the Narcissist is going to be putting their best foot forward during the lying in wait stage – how they look, how efficient and functional they are – your partner is impressed by how successful and amazing the Narcissist is and if there is any adjustments to the Narcissist’s appearance that is needed to insure that that your partner will be attracted to them they will do – for example lose weight, wear certain clothing, dye their hair to the color that your partner desires and they will also be incorporating the same values and interests as your partner.

Then when you and your partner are at a low – often if there is a job loss or a dip in income or the two of you have to move in with in-laws, you are sick, you are your partner is suffering from post-partum depression, a Mid-life Crisis has begin for one or both of you, Empty Nest Syndrome etc and you and your partner are arguing a lot or have grown distant or distracted this is when the Narcissist strikes and starts oozing out sexual energy.

This sexual energy creates a chemical fog on your partner so all that they can think about is the Narcissist and then the Narcissist begins their series of “Take-Aways” – they disappear for periods of time and each time they do this, this wears away on your partner’s will until they can no longer deny that they cannot be without the Narcissist – the Narcissist when they come back from their “Take – Aways” showers your partner with attention, attraction and praise so that it is even worse being denied of this during the next take-away.

It is a form of Emotional Terrorism and at the same time the Narcissist is also making sure to come across as someone in need of being rescued, the strong front that they started off with is giving way to this vulnerable side where the Narcissist’s own spouse is being horrible and your partner needs to rescue him or her from them and all these other horrible events going on in their life (often they will wrap the take-aways into this drama of theirs so they have a genuine excuse for the take-away)and your partner is their only hope for a better life.

So now your partner is on a mission to save the Narcissist and this gives him or her a purpose and a drive that was lacking in the relationship with you. Now not only does this create undying dedication to rescuing the Narcissist it is keeping your partner distracted and 100% focused on the Narcissist. Worse yet everyone becomes a barrier and distraction from their role of saving the Narcissist so this “us versus them” bond is created between the Narcissist and your partner.

By this time you are wondering where the heck did your partner go? He or she is being dismissive and arrogant with you and you start fighting more and more – pretty much pushing your partner right into the Narcissists arms now.

Then one final perfectly timed “Take-away” fueled by pressure from the Narcissist to get rid of you now and your partner is toast – your partner has now given all power away to the Narcissist, he or she is then forced to be with him or her instead of you.

Once your partner leaves you -the Narcissist’s true colours come out but it is too late for your partner to do anything – he or she is too far invested and the Narcissist can do whatever they want now and your partner is at their mercy and if you are a threat of any sort to the Narcissist, the Narcissist will assure that your partner can not have anything to do with you – even if you share children or a business – contact will be minimum and the Narcissist will threaten to leave your partner anytime your partner complains about needing to have contact with you – in fact anything that the Narcissist doesn’t like about your partner’s behaviour the Narcissist will threaten to leave.

So then a strange thing happens – at first your ex-partner is in a euphoric state because against all odds he or she is now with the “man or woman” of his or her dreams – then reality hits that the Narcissist was totally lying about everything and isn’t at all what they presented originally and was just mirroring your partner in order to nab their Narcissistic Supply – however your partner is completely enmeshed, bonded and attracted to this Narcissist so your ex-partner is completely stuck and their brain can’t handle the truth so they go into denial still believing that they are with the person that they first fell in love with (and they did fall in love with this persona and there was physical attraction – this is real in your partner’s perception so you cannot argue or discount how your partner felt or is feeling)

So it is quite confusing because one time you talk to your ex-partner and he or she is high as a kite and happy as can be and saying that this is what they had always wanted (although it is the complete opposite to how you imagined your partner’s lifestyle to be like) and the next time you talk he or she is complaining about how chaotic the Narcissistic is and that if the Narcissist threatens to leave once more your ex-partner isn’t going to take it anymore. Your ex- partner will tell you it is like living in a Mine Field – anything can set the Narcissist off. As well in the most serious of cases if the your ex-partner gives any hints of wanting to leave the Narcissist will threaten to pursue them to the ends of the earth creating fear on the opposite end of the spectrum as well.

Yet in reality your partner is no where near ready to get out of the relationship – you think it looks like it’s about to come crashing down around them but then then next time you talk to your ex-partner he or she is all happy and enthused about the relationship again.

What is really happening is that he or she is caught in the Narcissist’s abuse cycle and your partner is swept back into denial in the make-up and honeymoon stages and because of the Narcissist’s need for continuous drama the cycle spins through very quickly at times.

So then what do you do in the meantime?

Join me in Part 3 of our Relationship Advice Video #3 Series – I will be discussing why dealing with both your ex-partner and the Narcissist is so unique and what? is the best approach and mindset to have during the Meantime Process.

As well – please refer the the Youtube Write-up, our Counsellor in a Box Blog at Counsellorinabox.com/Blog or my Love By Design Blog at lovebydesignbook.blogspot.com for the List of further Resources and Information about Narcissists.

If you have any questions so far for Robby or myself you can contact us at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca .

Thank you – looking forward to connecting with your again in Part 3

Have a Wonderful Day and Bye for Now.

Melody Chase

Further Information and Resources on Narcissists:

The link for the full definition of the Narcissist Personality Disorder from wiki. answers.com is:

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_definition_of_the_Narcissistic_Personality_Disorder#ixzz1H4dvOnD

Part 1 “I, Psychopath” a Video Documentary about a Psychopath/Malignant Narcissist named Sam Vaknin who has dedicate his life helping others to understand Psychopaths and Narcissists.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKn4IYpXK6g

Narcissism: The Web of Illusion, Discover The Truth About Narcissism By Kaleah LaRoche

http://www.narcissismmalignant.com/

Love Fraud: How To Know When Love Is A Con Website

http://www.lovefraud.com/\

Malignant Self- Love: Narcissism Revisited

http://samvak.tripod.com

http://www.youcansavethismarriage.com/

Reality Transurfing -? By Vadim Zeland ( Also Highly Recommended by Our Customer Mentioned in Part 3 – he says in the section of the? book that talks about Pendulums – the book explains about how easy it is to recognize Narcissists and how to deal with them)

http://zelands.com/e_book1.htm

Toxic Parenting: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

http://www.susanforward.com/author.htm

Recover From Narcissistic Abuse!- Kaleah LaRoche

http://www.narcissismfree.com/

How To Survive Cheating and Narcissism Healing From an Addiction To a Narcissist – By Maria Ava

http://www.articlesbase.com/infidelity-articles/how-to-survive-cheating-and-narcissism-healing-from-an-addiction-to-a-narcissist-996354.html

Narcissistic Abuse by Anne Brady

http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/

Other Websites Mentioned:

Counsellor in a Box Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com and Love By Design Program at http://www.lovebydesignbook.com

Any questions you can reach Robby or myself at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

2011-03-26T22:14:00.000-07:00

Relationship Advice: What To Do When Your Partner Left Your For A Narcissist – Part 1

Hi Everyone,

Here is Video #3 of our Relationship Advice Video Series called “Relationship Advice: What to Do When Your Partner Left You For a Narcissist – Part 1″

The overall theme of this video is to assist people in understanding the unique situation they are in when getting back with their ex-partner when the other man or woman is a Narcissist. In Part 1 I explain what a Narcissist is.

At the end of this Blog after the Video and Transcript of the Video there is a Link to the Complete Definition of the Narcissist Personality Disorder as well as further Information and Resources about Narcissists.

Click on the Link To Watch Part 1:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OzRtZwks-14

Here is the Transcript For Part 1:

Hi Everyone,

It is Melody Chase -Welcome to our Relationship Advice Video #3 – Part 1

Video #3 is going to be split into 3 Parts but the over-all theme I am going to be talking about is what to do when your ex-partner has left you for a Narcissist.

Over the last year or so I have noticed that with every single person I have talked to that is having Relationship difficulties there has been a Narcissist involved in the mix whether it was the other man or woman, a parent, a sibling, a child, a friend or even their partner.

Therefore for Relationship Advice Video #3 of our Series I would like the discuss the unique circumstances that you may find yourself in if your partner has left your for a Narcissist.

In the case where your partner had an affair with another man or woman and the other man or woman isn’t a Narcissist your partner will come to their senses and come back to you in a fairly quick amount of time.

If your ex-partner is involved with a Narcissist it becomes a stale-mate situation because the Narcissist has spun a web of illusion keeping your partner at bay and whenever there is any sign of your partner coming to their senses or any pressure from you to get your ex-partner back the Narcissist has fail-safe ways of reigning your ex even closer to him or her.

For Part 1 of Relationship Advice Video Series #3 I will be explaining what a Narcissist is, Part 2 I will explain how your the Narcissistic Ensnares Your Partner and in Part 3 I will have suggestions as to what you need to do for now and what Mindset you need to have to get through this time period or what I often call “The Mean-time.”

According to The American Psychiatric Association’s DSM-IV-TR they define a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as “an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts, such as family life and work.”

The DSM specifies nine diagnostic criteria. Five (or more) of these criteria must be met for a diagnosis of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder to be rendered.

I found this answer from wiki. answers.com there are amendments included and I shortened some of the definitions – for the full definition I will include the Website Link in the Youtube Video description and on my Blogs so I will read the shortened version of this list – even the shortened version of the list is quite long but I wanted to assist you in understanding all aspects of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder because it helps to explain how the Narcissist is able to pull the wool over people’s eyes and once having gained power over another person how they maintain their power.

So these criteria include:

The Narcissist Feels grandiose and self-important;

Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or unequaled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;

Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special therefore only wants to treated and associate with other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);

Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (often defined as Narcissistic Supply);

Feels entitled, Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favorable priority treatment;

Is “inter-personally exploitative”, i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;

Devoid of empathy, Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;

Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration;

Suffers from the beliefs that they are being pursued (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;

Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, invincible, immune, “above the law”, and has magical thinking;

Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy.

In Part 2 I will be back to explain about how the Narcissist Ensnares Your Partner and keeps a hold on him or her.

I will be including a Transcript of all Three Parts on my Counsellor in a Box Blog at counsellorinabox.com/blog and our Love By Design Blog at lovebydesignbook.blogspot.com

If you have any questions you can talk to Robby or myself at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Thank You and Bye for Now!

Melody Chase

Further Information and Resources on Narcissists:

The link for the full definition of the Narcissist Personality Disorder from wiki. answers.com is:

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_definition_of_the_Narcissistic_Personality_Disorder#ixzz1H4dvOnD

Part 1 “I, Psychopath” a Video Documentary about a Psychopath/Malignant Narcissist named Sam Vaknin who has dedicate his life helping others to understand Psychopaths and Narcissists.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKn4IYpXK6g

Narcissism: The Web of Illusion, Discover The Truth About Narcissism By Kaleah LaRoche

http://www.narcissismmalignant.com/

Love Fraud: How To Know When Love Is A Con Website

http://www.lovefraud.com/\

Malignant Self- Love: Narcissism Revisited

http://samvak.tripod.com

You Can Save This Marriage – Larry Bilotta’s Marriage Expert Website (Recommended by our Customer mentioned in Part 3 – Larry was able to assist our Customer in learning how to block negative feelings and enhance positive feelings – something that is key in order to be happy and successful during the Meantime Process as your partner or ex-partner goes through his or her process with the Narcissist)

http://www.youcansavethismarriage.com/

Reality Transurfing - By Vadim Zeland ( Also Highly Recommended by Our Customer Mentioned in Part 3 – he says in the section of the book that talks about Pendulums – the book explains about how easy it is to recognize Narcissists and how to deal with them)

http://zelands.com/e_book1.htm

Toxic Parenting: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

http://www.susanforward.com/author.htm

Recover From Narcissistic Abuse!- Kaleah LaRoche

http://www.narcissismfree.com/

How To Survive Cheating and Narcissism Healing From an Addiction To a Narcissist – By Maria Ava

http://www.articlesbase.com/infidelity-articles/how-to-survive-cheating-and-narcissism-healing-from-an-addiction-to-a-narcissist-996354.html

Narcissistic Abuse by Anne Brady

http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/

Other Websites Mentioned:

Counsellor in a Box Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com and Love By Design Program at http://www.lovebydesignbook.com

Any questions you can reach Robby or myself at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

2011-03-14T23:03:00.000-07:00

Relationship Advice Video: How To Eliminate Doubt In Order To Get Back With Your Ex-Partner

Hi Everyone,

Here is our Relationship Advice Video #2 – it is about Doubt – why we experience it and why it is important to eliminate it in order to focus our energy in the right way to get our ex-partners back. Since there is a lot of information that is included in the Video – I decided to include the Transcript of the Video following the Video Below:

Transcript:

Hi Everyone,

It’s Melody Chase Co-author of our Counsellor in a Box Rescue and Repair Home Study Program. (www.counsellorinabox.com)

Welcome To Our Relationship advice Video Series #2

In today’s Video I am going to be talking about doubt.

So your partner has left you for another man or woman – You knew at some level whether you are willing to admit it or not that there were problems going on in your relationship but you are still in shock that your partner was actually having an affair or left you for someone else. This is naturally going to create doubt in you mind anyway – you begin to wonder did you really know your partner and was your relationship real?

You start off sure and confident that your partner has made a mistake and he or she will be back soon after all it is you and your partner here not strangers – you have pledged your life to each others and you are connected and love each other’s deeply.

Then over time doubt starts to creep in – sure the relationship had problems but enough for your partner to leave? Could it be possible that you weren’t enough for you partner in order to keep him or her? This question will eventually come up because eithor your ex-partner will tell you this directly that you are not enough or were not enough or your ex-partner will come across as so happy and fulfilled with this other man or woman even if the other man or woman isn’t at all what you pictured your partner to be with or even if the other man or woman really dysfunctional – yet somehow it seems to be working for your ex-partner and he or she seems to be happy.

Then to add more doubt any person that you know – friends, family, in-laws or acquaintances who had any issues about you and your partner being in a relationship to begin or who are jealous or bitter about relationships in general and people who are genuinely concerned for your well being and don’t want to see you hurt again will come out of the woodwork and instead of consoling you and supporting you in getting back together with your ex-partner they will tell you any and/or all of the following:

They knew your partner was no good, the two of you weren’t good together, you were nothing but a puppy dog and he or she controlled and used you, you are better off without him or her or even go so far as to convince you that you are not wise in the ways of getting your partner back or you don’t have what it takes otherwise he or she would be back by now, your ex-partner is not strong enough or doesn’t have enough incentive to come back to you even if he or she wanted to and/or if the two of you were meant to be together none of this (in regards to the affair) would have happened in the first place and that you should stop wasting you life away and find someone who can truly make you happy.

Basically they will discount anything wonderful and good that you ever had with your partner and actually make you feel like you have made a huge mistake ever getting together with your partner in the first place and it would be an even bigger mistake getting back together with him or her now.

It is not surprising then that many people give up hope of ever getting back together with their partner – when meanwhile the only reasons why you are not together now is simply a build-up of deficiencies and toxicities including possible dysfunctional patterns that create no win situations and a feeling of hopelessness along with a lack of Relationship Mastery Skills that pushed your partner away into the arms of someone who claimed at first to be able to fulfill all the needs that your partner wasn’t getting in the relationship with you.

Even in really difficult situations where your partner had become addicted to this other man or woman and are continuously being seduced by their charm or kept at bay by the threat of losing this other man or woman – things are not all lost? and really its not what anyone else tells you to do or not to do that is going to prevent you from getting back with your ex-partner -? it is only your own self-doubt that is going to hold you back and cause delays in the process.

Self-doubt creates fear, exhaustion and black and white, all or nothing thinking so a lot of your energy is spent trying to keep the fears down and/or reacting or trying to convince or force your ex-partner to come back to you which just pushes your ex-partner away further.

All of this also makes him or her even more determined to prove to everyone that his or her new relationship is going to make it – after all just like you know now – no one likes to hear that they have made a mistake or that they are going to fail at something or be discounted for how they feel or what they are experiencing.

So the #1 thing you have to do right now is decide to release all self-doubt and doubt about whether you and your ex -partner is Highest and Best for each other and whether the two of you will get back together or not – time will reveal what is Highest and Best for everyone.

However you will never find out if you allow any doubt to continue ruling your thoughts – especially since? with the Law of Attraction what you focus on expands and what you resist persists – so you want to be spending your energy on focusing on creating the Life and Relationship of your Dreams with your ex-partner and/or whoever is Highest and Best for you and allow whatever is best to flow in – there is no benefit to doubt and it doesn’t serve anyone at all.

Even with dealing with nay-sayers – they cannot effect your beliefs or your subconcious mind if there is no doubt – doubt cannot gain access if it doesn’t exist for you.

You will find then that you can carry on in the meantime no longer being tortured by your doubt and bombarded by reasons to doubt that will be drawn in and created by your Subconscious Mind as long as the doubt is lingering in your mind and instead you will be able to find yourself in a state of joy and faith that everything will unfold in perfect timing and in perfect ways for everyone involved.

Most important you will be able to clearly listen and follow your guidance now since you are not distracted by fear – it is your inner knowing and heart that has keep you going and attracted this Video into your life so continue trusting this guidance now since you know it is working in your favor and all is well now and will be well in the future too.

If you want to find out more about the deficiencies, toxicities and potential dysfunctional patterns that pushed your partner away - and how to now reverse the deficiencies and toxicities, remove patterns and gain Relationship Mastery Skills to draw you partner back to you especially know since fear and doubt are no longer a distraction check out our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

If you have any questions you can contact Robby or myself at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Thank You – Have a Wonderful Day and Bye For Now.

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Is He or She The One For Me? How To Find Out If You Are With Your Soul-mate: The Love By Design System: http://www.lovebydesignbook.com

2011-02-13T20:27:00.000-08:00

Relationship Advice Video: 7 Tips On How To Give Your Ex-Partner Space in Order To Get Back Together With Him or Her

Hi Everyone,

Here is my Relationship Advice Video #1 on How To Give Your Ex-Partner Space Without Going Crazy in Order To Get Back Together With Him or Her.

Just Click on the Link Below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y1a_nNE8QrY

Websites that are mentioned in the Video Are:

The Counsellor in a Box Rescue and Repair Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Melody Chase's Relationship and Self-Growth Information HQ Blog at http://www.melodychasesrelationshipinfo.wordpress.com

Life Quest Publishing at http://www.lifequestpublishing.com

Email: relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Happy Valentine's Day!

Melody Chase

2011-01-27T11:05:00.000-08:00

Melody Chase's Relationship Advice Video Debut

Hi Everyone,

Happy New Year!

I am Happy To Announce My Relationship Advice Video Debut and that I will be creating a Relationship Advice Series!

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

P.S. The Websites I mention in the Video are:

Counsellor in a Box Home Relationship Rescue and Repair Home Study Program: http://www.counsellorinabox.com

How To Find Out If You Are With Your Soul-mate: The Love By Design System: http://www.lovebydesignbook.com

Melody Chase's Relationship and Self-Growth Information HQ Blog: http://www.melodychasesrelationshipinfo.wordpress.com

Life Quest Publishing: http://www.lifequestpublishing.com

2010-08-16T12:14:00.000-07:00

How To Keep Your Faith: A Major Key In Getting Your Ex-Partner Back

Matthew 17:20: And He said to them, "Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.”

Mindy sat staring off into space, her cellphone still in her hand. Her ex-boyfriend just called to say he was coming with a truck tomorrow to pick up the last of his stuff to take over to his new girlfriend’s house.

Mindy should be used to this by now, over the last 3 months her ex-boyfriend had slowly but surely been taking apart and separating all of their belongings and connection that they had to each others.

Mindy hasn’t given up whatsoever in getting her boyfriend back. She has read books on how to get her lover back and has gone on a journey of Self-love, Self-Discovery and Relationship Mastery plus she has heard and seen so many success stories of couples getting back together against all odds.

So the belief was there, the issue that she had that would shake her confidence the most and even her faith was when what she would see before her seemed so real and symbolic of change and separation and of her ex-boyfriend carrying on.

Her ex-boyfriend taking the last of his belongings was one of these changes that really shook her belief and faith like an earthquake. Then add on the after-shocks of such “apparent realities” as her ex-boyfriend seeming so happy and inspired by his new girlfriend and how he talks about how well they get along and hearing about their future plans.

Then there was the original earthquake that shook Mindy to her core – when her ex-boyfriend choose the new girlfriend instead of herself after she caught him cheating with this other woman and how he claimed that he would never come back to Mindy.

Mindy has just heard encouraging news in the entertainment world – she had heard about the Reality Stars from “The Bachelor” Series – Jake the Bachelor and his final rose pick Vienna who he was engaged to had just broken-up.

Pretty much anyone who watched the show was against Jake picking Vienna because Vienna’s motives were suspect by how she played the game and she really didn’t have anything in common with Jake.

Yet Jake and Vienna did such an amazing job of coming across as being deeply in love and having the attraction, romance and adventure that even Mindy (although at first Mindy knew beyond a doubt that they would break-up) got pulled into the illusion that the couple would last.

So now Mindy was experiencing the same issue with her ex-boyfriend – getting pulled into a certain reality that wasn’t true or at least is highly likely not to be true – yet with a lot of smoke and mirrors (or sometimes even with no smoke or mirrors at all) anything can become convincing especially when a person is attached to a certain outcome.

So how then does Mindy continue with having faith and not give into the potential illusions presented in front of her?

Since this is such a common experience for people who are in the process of getting their partner back, I have created a list of ways on how to approach your situation if you are feeling or going through with Mindy is going through as well:

1) More Time Spent With the Other Man or Woman and Less Time With You Is To Your Benefit

The saying that “absence makes the heart grow fonder is true” – the greatest fear about no communication or not being with your ex-partner all the time is that he or she is going to forget you completely, forget all the positive aspects of your relationship or get completely spun and distracted by the other man or woman and your partner will just disappear into activity and happy land with the other man or woman.

However it is when you are not pressuring or pursing your ex-partner that your ex-partner’s defenses go down and they have time to think and remember everything about you.

As well this gives your ex-partner time to recover and heal from any stresses or strains in your relationship and your ex-partner will begin to feel a draw towards you again instead of the draw to pull away which were caused for a number of reasons usually due to a build up of toxicities and deficiencies in your relationship and a perfectly timed game plan on the part of the other man or woman.

The good news is that the Courtship Phase (Everyone puts a good face on and is busy pursuing the other person stage) and the Honeymoon Stage (Celebrating the win of getting the other man or woman) does start to wear off – so time and being away from your ex-partner is on your side.

So think of the time that you are not spending with your ex-partner as a perennial seed that is growing under the surface and in the spring, when it comes to the light of day signifies the beginning of a new relationship with your partner whereas the seed that was planted with this other man or woman is just an annual that will just die off at the end of the season and will no longer return.

2) Don’t Give Into Potential Illusions

Our society thrives on spin and trying to control the opinions of others and create certain impressions with others – so as a rule in life in general be open with the curiosity of child but never take anything at face value otherwise you are just at the mercy of one spin after the other.

So yes, maybe your ex-partner is happy or maybe your ex-partner is high on oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine and will soon have a rude awakening once the Honeymoon Stage is over.

Maybe your ex already knows he or she has made a mistake and is too embarrassed to own up to this yet or is struggling to make things work with the other man or woman and doesn’t want any outside interference so he or she puts on a good front.

Maybe he or she is scared to leave because he or she realizes he/she is addicted to this other person and like an alcoholic or a smoker he/she needs to leave when he/she is ready and your ex-partner doesn’t want to get your hopes up in case he/she doesn’t have the strength to stay away and has to go back and forth to the other man or woman a few times before the relationship is done for good.

Your ex-partner may be in denial and in coping mode and one day will wake up realize you are the one and just leaves the other man or woman and comes back to you.

You can see how exhausting and an up and down roller-coaster of emotions this could cause for you if you followed along with any of these scenarios – so it is best to not give the time of day to anything that appears to be going on or not going on or anything that your ex says or does until one day he or she shows up asking if you will take him or her back and that the other relationship is done for good.

3) Make Positive Thought a Priority

After a break-up you are grieving, in shock and often in denial of all the change going on in your life – add fear, worry and doubt about ever getting your ex-partner back and no wonder why so may people experiencing this end-up having to take time off work, go on anxiety and anti-depressants, develop health problems, go for counselling and unfortunately often give up on getting their partner back.

So the healthiest thing you can do for yourself let alone for getting your ex-partner back is to learn how to make Positive Thought a Priority and your new way of thinking.

You have the rest of your life to choose fearful and negative thoughts so why not take this opportunity to try a different approach to thinking and if you feel it doesn’t work for you, you can always go back to the old way of thinking at any time.

So if you chose to go the Positive Thinking Route – make this into a Full Out Positive Thinking Campaign – be absolutely relentless in switching from negative thoughts to positive thoughts – don’t deny, resist or beat yourself up for having a negative thought – just be aware that you are having one then as soon as you can chose to think the opposite of the negative thought or just chose any positive thought you can think of to get back into a positive upstate.

As part of your Positive Thinking Campaign you need to come from a state of detachment and preference and think, say and feel that you are confident, you are capable, you are calm, you are relaxed, you are loving and lovable - think of yourself as all of these things and imagine what it would feel like to be all of these things and hold those thoughts and feelings with you for as long as you can and as often as you can - especially at night before you go to bed.

As well imagine and feel what it would be like for you and your ex-partner to be together again, the two of you getting along and for him or her to be joyful, connected and unconditionally loving with you - this is far more powerful and beneficial to you then focusing on the negatives of the past and the potential negatives of the future and if you are honest with yourself – has being negative helped you up until this point in your life?

So it is time to try something completely different and become 100% committed and relentless towards being confident, positive and having faith that all will be well for you and everyone.

Yes, you can be aware of the potential of negative outcomes - that is okay so you are not in resistance but at the end of the day you can handle your situation as it comes especially if you are calm and relaxed because then you can think clearly and create a calming atmosphere so any issues can be resolved peacefully - much better than being on guard and expecting the worse.

A Positive Thinking Campaign can help change your perception and reaction to your world. You can change that now by deciding to become dedicated to Positive Thinking and as you go you will discover that it will become more and more of a habit and a natural way of life as your subconscious mind absorbs this new way of thinking and eventually your new creations will override your old subconscious mind patterns, programs and way of thinking. You will also be so inspired by the feedback in your subjective reality you will want to create your world the way you like to by conscious choice all the time.

Even if you start off just for an hour a day and keep expanding your Positive Thinking Campaign from there. I even created a Contract for myself where I went on a 24 hr Positive Thinking Campaign that I signed in order to get myself started when I first changed over to Positive Thinking.

Once I tried the contract a couple of times I realized I wanted to make the switch to full-time Positive Thinking because I was no longer suffering in fear and just having the odd negative thought was such a better way to live then having the Negative Thoughts in control of my life.

Just to clarify as well, this doesn’t mean deny your emotions once you are already emotionally triggered or in a negative mental spin or simply still grieving the changes that have happened. You still need to lovingly embrace your feelings and just feel through the emotions and be in non-resistance to your reaction in order to fully release it.

Then from a state of detachment and preference - focus on what you do want to create – especially just before you go to bed – this a very powerful time for your subconscious mind to be impressed and it will set the tone for your next day.

With a Positive Thinking Campaign you will no longer keep yourself in a state of worry and doubt and in doing so not only will you feel more relaxed and at peace – the Positive Thinking will become a natural habit overtime and your life, environment and relationship will become a reflection of this.

In addition to the three suggestions above there is one last important thing to keep in mind and it was what the Quote by Matthew said – if all else fails and you are having a bad day and the illusions seem so real – just remember all you need is the faith the size of a mustard seed and you can move mountains!

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

For More Information on What You Can Do To Get Your Ex-Partner Back Check-out Our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Repair Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

2010-05-04T00:50:00.000-07:00

Relationship Advice: 7 Tips on How To Win Your Partner Back

For anyone who has been focusing on how to get their fiancé back or to get back with their lover or partner can probably relate to the song called “Nothing Compares To You” by Sinead O’Connor.

The song really captures the intensity of the despair, the longing, the loneliness and desire to be given that second chance.

There are many e-books and programs that describe what is needed to get your partner or lover back which revolves around detachment, appearing like you have carried on, working on self-love and studying everything one needs to know in order to rebuild a brand new relationship with their partner once their partner returns.

A lot of the focus in getting your partner back revolves around giving the partner who has left space so as to not apply pressure or push their partner away and to create desire and appreciation since absence makes the heart grow fonder especially when there is some contact and they are met with a strong, independent, desirable and positive person.

However, as in the song “Nothing Compares to You” the intensity of the love, the shock to one’s system, the drive to have a second chance, the fear of losing their partner or running out of time creates the need to want to control, plead, convince and see their partner all the time.

So the following are suggestions on how to maintain detachment and resist the urge to push your partner further away.

1) Have Fun:

In the Sinead O’Connor song there is a line that goes “I went to the Doctor and guess what he told me? He said “Girl you got to have fun no matter what you do because he’s a fool”

Anyone going through an abandonment by their partner can vouch that this is way easier said then done, however, especially when the time a part often feels like physical torture and since you are spacing out half the time anyway, having fun is still the easiest way to keep your energy, spirits and vibration up and keeps you grounded in the moment as well as provides tension relief, renewal and sense of purpose.

2) Every Minute Not Together = A Minute Invested Into Your Future Together:

Even minute of you day seems so drawn out that you almost want to panic because of all the missed time apart yet it’s important to remember that it took time for your relationship to get to point that it came to when the separation occurred so it is going to take some time in order for the relationship and both of you as individuals to heal as well as time for the resolution of the old to take place in order to create anew. Ever moment away from each others also allows the time needed for appreciation, gratitude and remembrance of your awesomeness, love and beauty to kick in within your partner.

3) Don’t Resist The Down Moments:

Down moments often consist of withdrawal symptoms, physical discomfort, bouts of panic, depression, disconnection, shock, flashbacks of both good and bad moments and it’s all okay. It’s okay to be vulnerable, open and honest with yourself, your feelings and emotions - it is the best way to heal as well as position yourself into preference and detachment because you are not holding back and being in resistance to your emotions and fears.

4) When You Can - Confront Your Fears Head On:

A lot of the resistance, panic, impatience and urge to want to start controlling or pleading with your partner is coming from fear so the healthy thing to do for yourself and your relationship when you are ready is to face your greatest fear and walk through and feel what is like to never get your partner back. You will discover you will live through this and then you have all your power back and have naturally gone into a state of preference and detachment because you are no longer in fear because you walked right through it and survived.

5) Go Easy On Yourself If You Fall-Off The Preference and Detachment Bandwagon:

Panic, be sad, get angry then go back into Preference and Detachment – it’s simply that easy. You need all the energy you can get so just let things go when you fall off the Preference and Detachment Bandwagon and remember there is always the chance to get right back on.

6) Keep An Eye On Your Thoughts and What You Say and What You Are Focusing Your Attention on:

We are human and sometimes we need to face the “negative thoughts” for healing and focus on walking through the fear – but otherwise there is no need to scare yourself. Make a choice to choose positive thoughts – no one cares if your are vulnerable or lose – but for your own peace of mind if you are going to go for it might as well go all out 100% and take the leap of faith and take-out the “stinking thinking” and negative thoughts when you can.

7) The Greatest Gift Is Surrender:

Embrace Surrender instead of fear it, once again you have nothing to lose except the opportunity to play all out 100% and surrendering ironically is your trump card and allows faith and your intention to do its job and awesome magic.

Keep these suggestions in mind and before you know it, your partner will be at your door and everything that you are experiencing now will be just a distant memory.

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

For more information on rebuilding your relationship or getting your lover or partner back Check-out our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Relationship Program @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com as well as our Free Relationship Advice and Relationship Video Tutorial Blog @ http://counsellorinabox.com/FreeVideos.html

2010-04-14T23:51:00.000-07:00

Relationship Advice: 7 Reasons Why Your Partner Chooses Not To Communicate – Part 4

Welcome to Part 4 of our 4 Part Series called “7 Reasons Why Your Partner Chooses Not To Communicate.

For this part let’s talk about your partner being a Hopeless Romantic.

7) Hopeless Romantic:

There are people out there who are for lack of a better description – hopeless romantics – they want to be rescued (i.e. give them what they desiring) and they assume that you will know this and that you will pursue them.

An example would be at the end of a movie with Keanu Reeves and Cameron Diaz.

In the movie their two characters became lovers but they had gotten themselves into trouble and Cameron’s character took off on her own to avoid the police.

A few months later she sent an email to Keanu Reeve’s character telling him that she is in Las Vegas now and is happy pursing her dream as a Showgirl.

Keanu rushed off the Las Vegas and was reading this letter to his Taxi Driver. The Taxi Driver said that he was confused because no where in the letter did Cameron Diaz’s character say that she wanted Keanu’s character to come meet up with her in Las Vegas.

Keanu’s character said it isn’t what she said but what she didn’t say.

Now luckily Keanu's character was in tune enough to this woman to realize that the letter itself was a message to pursue her but if a couple is busy and distracted with their everyday life it would be very easy not to pick up on what their partner is really desiring if they are not giving any indications.

So this completes the 7 Reasons For Why People Chose Not To Communicate.

For more information about why couples don't communicate as well as proven communication techniques to get your partner talking check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Rescue and Repair Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

2010-04-01T22:55:00.000-07:00

Relationship Advice: 7 Reasons Why Your Partner Chooses Not To Communicate – Part 3

Welcome to Part 3 of our 4 Part Series on why your partner chooses not to communicate.

For Part 3 we are going to be going the next 3 reasons out of 7 which are:

3) Your Partner is a Narcissist
4) Conditioned To Keep Things To Themselves
5) Burnt-out/Overwhelmed

3) Your Partner is a Narcissist

Narcissists expect others to know what they want and if others do not know it is the others people’s responsibility to find out and the Narcissist is not going to lift a finger to assist because according to them it is their birthright for others to figure out what their needs and wants are. It is not in their job description to be responsible for being understood or communicate.

4) Conditioned To Keep Things To Themselves

Some people, especially males are conditioned to become the strong silent types often as a result of picking it up from their family, community or society where it may seem the honorable way to be or it is respectful or even seen as a sign of strength where as expressing how one feels or thinks is considered a weakness. A person may also be conditioned to be non-communicative because they were punished or abused for speaking their mind. Your partner may have also had his/her heart broken in the past so he/she is afraid to open up in any area of communication in order to protect his or herself.

5) Burnt -out/Overwhelmed:

When a person is burnt out it is really hard to muster up energy to do anything, this includes wanting to talk and communicate especially if the topic at hand is a hard topic to handle or talk about. So your partner may be burnt out because of the current situation you are in, burnt out from talking to you all the time in the past, especially if issues were never resolved or they are simply burnt out from life in general and it really has nothing to do with you, you may be a part if a much larger life problem whether that is being caused by family, school, community or a former relationship partner. Likewise if a person is really overwhelmed by things going on in one's life they may not be able to talk or communicate either.

6) Given Up:

Sometimes a person gets to a point where after they tried and tried in the relationship they just break on all levels - emotionally, physically, spiritually and they just give up and completely check out of the relationship. The are apathetic and is what we describe as having both feet out the door - if apathy is involved they have gone past the point of no return and there is no hope for the relationship to be resuscitated. In the last part of our series will be discussing Reason #7 – Your Partner is a Hopeless Romantic.

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

For more information about why couples don't communicate as well as proven communication techniques to get your partner talking check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Rescue and Repair home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

2010-03-16T21:37:00.000-07:00

Relationship Advice: 7 Reasons Why Your Partner Chooses Not To Communicate - Part Two

In Part One of our Series we talked people simply being non-communicative by nature.

Now for Part Two Let’s Discuss People Who Are Conflict Avoidant for reasons for why you partner may chose not to communicate with you:

2) Conflict Avoidant:

There are certain personalities such as what is called the Amiable or Stabilizer personality whose natural disposition for harmony and for everyone to get along also causes them to be conflict avoidant.

Amiable personality people are not as dominant as some of the other personalities so they are just not going to have the urge to take the risk and stand up for their rights so they don’t end up communicating what their requirements, needs and wants are especially if they are with a dominant or competitive partner.

Plus if their partner is very reactive, or even just a little bit reactive this can cause an Amiable personality person to retreat into themselves or physically try to avoid their partner due to the amount of stress and discomfort they feel that a person of a different personality would not feel the same intensity of.

Another potential conflict avoidant person is the Analytical Personality Type Person. Analytical people are more dominant than an Amiable but otherwise are more passive then the rest of the personalities.

They are into rules and procedures and it is important for them to be right and for other people to go along with their rules.

Due to their Analytical nature and attention to detail they are also black and white, all or nothing thinkers and they make decisions in the all or nothing way leaving no room for grey or potential for creative solution above and beyond what they can logically understand and/or prove.

So if met with a conflict, Analytical people will deal with the situation one of
two ways - if it is something they are really passionate about and have more a dominant personality mixed in with their Analytical side or if they feel safe with who they are with they will argue their point until the cows home.

However if they are less dominant, been conditioned not to argue, are burnt -out from arguing all the time or is with someone who is too aggressive and reactive to their opinions, the Analytical person will keep his/her opinions to his or herself then one of 3 things will happen - the unresolved issue will fester and the Analytical will get more and resentful - resentful being something that is common since Analyticals are often more negative and cynical by nature.

The second thing that could happen is the repressed need or opinion gets added to the stack of the rest of the issues that the Analytical is holding in and this leads to emotionally shutting down and disconnection from their partner.

As well because of the Analytical’s black and white thinking whether it is one incident or twenty something in the Analytical snaps and he/she totally writes off his/her partner, the partner may feel it and see that the Analytical partner may no longer give his/her partner the time of day, but he/she has written off his/her partner and has just not said anything nor does he/she have any interest in telling him/her so because he/she is done and it no longer matters to him or her.

In Part 3 of our series will be discussing 4 reasons since they are shorter in length including – Your Partner is a Narcissist, Conditioned To Keep Things To Themselves, Burnt-out/Overwhelmed and Given Up.

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

For more information about why couples don't communicate as well information about the different personalities and how to test to see what yours and your partner’s personalities are check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Rescue and Repair Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

2010-03-05T11:02:00.000-08:00

Relationship Advice: 7 Reasons Why Your Partner Chooses Not To Communicate - Part One

At our Centre For Life Management and with our Online Clients and Readers we have a lot of people asking why their partners chose to never talk about what they were upset about and then one day their partner just gets up and leaves the relationship without ever wanting to talk things over and resolve anything.

For the one partner who does believe in talking and discussing issues and what is upsetting them it is hard to understand why their partner would chose to be silent and then just throw the relationship away without even trying to fight for it.

This type of situation is more common that you would think and whether the following information can be used to help you to understand how to get your partner to open up before it is too late, to get your partner back if they have left or to even just have closure if your partner has decided to carry on it is worth taking the time to find out.

So the Following Are Potential Reasons Why Your Partner Has Chosen Not To Communicate With You In The Relationship:

1) Non- Communicative People
2) Conflict Avoidant
3) Your Partner is a Narcissist
4) Conditioned To Keep Things To Themselves
5) Burnt -out/Overwhelmed
6) Given Up
7) Hopeless Romantic

I will be going over 7 Potential Reasons Why Your Partner Chooses Not Communication by splitting the Reason into a 4 Part Series.

For Part One let’s talk about Non-Communicative People

1) Non- Communicative People:

There are people who by their natural dispositions are not talkers and are often thinkers versus talkers.

At the Centre For Life Management we talk about the Four Styles Of Communication Modes which are how people communicate, learn as well as give and receive love.

One of these four types of Communication Modes is what is called an “Auditory
Person”. Auditory people are designed to talk, they have the gift of the gab and can speak without rehearsing often off the top of their head.

They in fact need to talk and be talked to in order to feel loved. If your partner is Auditory (unless there is a build up of toxicities of some sort in the relationship causing him or her to shut-down) you will never have trouble getting your partner to talk.

Now if your partner is any of the other Communication Modes other than Auditory then there is a much greater chance that it will be hard to get your partner to open up because it just doesn’t come naturally to him or her.

For example, Visual People are into doing, Digital People are into connection and understanding and Kinesthetic People are into touching and feeling – none of these Communication Modes are naturally inclined to talk a lot with the exception of Philosophical Digital People but if they not Auditory to go along with being Digital they may carry on conversations in their head without realizing that people are not hearing them because they are so convinced that everyone is on the same wavelength as them which is a common trait of a Philosophical Digital person.

In Part Two We Will Be Discussing Your Partner Being Conflict Avoidant

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

For more information about why couples don't communicate as well as proven communication techniques to get your partner talking check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Rescue and Repair home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

2010-02-09T20:07:00.000-08:00

Start Your Relationship Anew For Valentine’s Day!

Are you and your partner having relationship difficulties and the last thing on your mind that you feel like doing is celebrating Valentine’s Day?

Well, I may have a suggestion as to how and why to celebrate Valentine’s Day in a way like you may never have thought of before.

If you are having relationship difficulties and you feel like your relationship has ground to a stand-still – why not use Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to re-start or start your relationship anew and see your romantic night out or cozy night at home together as the very first date of your new relationship and life together.

At our Centre For Life Management/LMC Relationship Centre we talk about how often when couples have a lot of deficiencies or toxicities in their relationship that after a while all the life gets sucked out of the relationship and the relationship starts spiraling down until it comes to a standstill and there is no where else for the relationship itself to go like a spiral circling inwards.

So what happens when you have no where else to go in the center of the Spiral? Your only choice is to turn around and start traveling outwards and the benefit of this is that a spiral going outwards has room to spiral out to infinity.

A Relationship has this same opportunity when the couple realizes that the direction and choices that they are making in the relationship is taking them to a dead end so all they have to do to start over is to do the opposite of whatever they are currently doing and choosing to do.

The best way to get this process started is by bringing the old relationship including the rules, agreements, expectations and habits to an end in order to start a fresh, clean foundation upon which to create new rules, agreements, expectations/preferences and habits that are functional, life enhancing, inspiring and creates a mutual fulfillment of needs for both partners since relationships are a mutual fulfillment of needs.

Another benefit of ending the original relationship as well is that no one can blame their partners anymore for what they are not getting or getting too much of in the relationship since the old ways are no longer in effect.

Your relationship is a brand new relationship, so just as you wouldn’t bring the baggage or issues about an Ex into your new relationship, you no longer need to bring up and focus on the issues of the past with your partner, unless it can be used as a contrast effect or as a sign-post towards what you do want in your new relationship or simply for healing or closure purposes otherwise the past is the past and you have a brand new relationship to create together.

So why use Valentine’s Day as a launching pad or starting point for your new relationship?

You want to symbolically and energetically release your old relationship so what better symbolic celebration than one that is based on the promise of everlasting love and hope of the relationship and life of your dreams as well as the celebration of the love you already share with your partner – past, present and future.

So some suggestions for closing of the old relationship and beginning of a new one are:

Making a toast over dinner – toasting to the end of the old relationship and a toast to the new relationship and new beginnings.

Replacing your old set of rings with a new set of rings,

Writing on a piece of paper “Old Relationship” then ripping up, burying, burning and throwing the paper away and then write on a new piece of paper “New Relationship” and have both of you sign the paper then frame it or keep it with you all the time or throw out, bury, burn etc anything that has a symbolic meaning to the both of you and then choose something new to symbolize your new relationship.

Go for a walk together and crossover a bridge representing crossing over into a new relationship.

Re-write new vows and read them to each other.

Even renew your marriage or get remarried – anything that is creative, symbolic, meaningful and romantic for the two of you.

So the first step then is to end your old relationship, the 2nd is to celebrate the beginning of your new relationship.

From there you will begin your journey of discovery to find out what relationship systems work and are functional, healthy, and life enhancing for the two of you such as our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program (http://www.counsellorinabox.com ) that helps couples to re-build their relationship based on a foundation created out of the understanding of the uniqueness of you and your partner and how to not only find out what each of your unique Requirements, Needs and Wants are but how to give these unique Requirements, Needs and Wants to your partner.

If you have any questions about how to end and/or begin the Rebuilding Process of your Relationship you can contact Dr. Robby or myself at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Happy Valentine’s Day! Speaking of Valentine’s Day we are having a 50% Off Valentine’s Day Sale From Feb 14^th 9:00am EST to Feb 20 Midnight EST for Our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program - Click On The Link Below To Purchase and/or For More Information: http://www.counsellorinabox.com

2010-02-01T23:59:00.000-08:00

Toxic Communication: How To Tell If You Are A Toxic Communicator - Part Two

In Part One of our Toxic Communication: How To Tell If You Are A Toxic Communicator we discussed six ways of being a toxic communicator.

Now for Part Two let’s cover the next six ways of being a Toxic Communicator then I’ll give some suggestions on what to do if you are a Toxic Communicator yourself.

7) Negative Intent Implicator:

This is more of a feeling that your partner is going to pick up from you where you are basically accusing your partner of having a negative intent - this accusation is felt when you ask questions of your partner such as "When are you going to do___? Why aren't you doing _? Did you do this yet?

In these cases the underlying assumption is that you believe that your partner has no intent of doing what is being asked of him/her instead of being patient, trusting or giving him/her the benefit of the doubt.

Often you may be even more direct in blaming or accusing your partner by saying you did this or you didn't do that without checking things out first with open curiosity and the assumption that he/she has a positive intent and/or just waiting it out to see if he/she does what she or he has been asked, offered or agreed to do.

8) The Intensity Over-driver:

Check your body language, your level of emotional intensity, your tone and facial expression - basically are you too scary to have a conversation with? If you don't believe that any of these factors can make it an uncomfortable experience for your partner and your partner is just being overly sensitive then have your partner hold up a video camera towards you the next time you are in an intense discussion and then play back the video to get an idea of what it is like from the perspective of your partner.

9) Psychic Vampirism:

You may be a Psychic Vampire in the area of communication and not even know it. Psychic Vampires feel that they need to take other people's energy or at least prevent others from expressing their own energy thinking at some level that there is not enough energy to go around and that their partner is going to steal their energy if they don't steal their partner's energy first.

So the Psychic or Energy Vampire will use disempowerment, control dramas, aggressiveness and powerful negative emotions like guilt and shame to break their partner down and not only take the wind out of their partner's sails but take this energy for themselves.

Most people are not aware that they are Psychic Vampires, they have picked it up from a competitive adversarial society and paradigm where there is a lack of resources and one must fight for the limited resources or else they will perish - it is a fight for life and survival even at the expense of someone they love.

So just to check, do you ever feel uncomfortable when your partner is happy and excited about something and is throwing out positive energy but once you verbally knock your partner down a few pegs you feel much more comfortable, at ease and invigorated? If so you may be a Psychic and /or energy vampire.

10)The Constant Complainer:

Every time you see your partner the first thing that pops out of your mouth is a complaint or something negative, this includes making noises such as sighs, grumbles and ouches.

These complaints can be about your partner, what you are thinking or feeling or something that happens to you or with others. Often it is so automatic the negativity doesn’t even match the situation. It is like your partner comes home and says “Hi” and your response is “Oh my back hurts” or “You didn’t take out the garbage”

In our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Course (http://www.counsellorinabox.com) we talk about the 7 Principles of Relationship Success and Principle #3 is about being Responsible For Having a Positive Emotional Upstate.

This is a Principle because too much negativity creates toxicity and impresses your partner to associate you with something that is negative and painful. People, including your partner will either want to move away from pain or move towards pleasure – either way it won’t be towards you if you are negative all the time.

This by the way is one of the major reasons why partners have affairs because they find someone who is pleasant and is in a positive upstate most of the time which is so much easier and enjoyable to be around.

11) The Invalidator/Mismatcher:

Often unconscious of what they are doing, this type of communicator is invalidating you in order to be right all the time or mismatching you because he/she is not interested in anyone’s information until he/she has had time to think it through and decide if he/she wants to agree or not.

If you are an Invalidator/Mismatcher, even if your partner’s facts are correct you are going to mismatch anyway - your partner would say “The Grass is Green” and you will say no it not, even if you know that your partner is correct - you just have to urge to disagree.

I know Mismatchers and they can be quite annoying, it will be like the Mismatcher will ask “Who is that actress that stars in Pretty Woman?”

I’ll answer by saying “Julia Roberts”

The Mismatcher will say “No… but she is also in Erin Brockovich.”

I’ll say “Yes, you mean Julia Roberts”

The Mismatcher will then say “No. Let me think, she was also in Mystic Pizza – I know Julia Roberts.”

I’ll say “That’s what I said Julia Roberts”

Does this sound familiar? Be honest.

12) The Ante-upper:

For Ante-uppers, they can’t seem to be satisfied with anything coming to a close or a finish, so it feels to their partner like a conversation or any area of discussion will never be finished.

If you are an Ante-upper your partner begins to feel discouraged and disheartened because there never seems to be an end in sight no matter what he/she does to resolve the issue at hand.

It would be like your partner says “I took the garbage out.”

You respond by saying “Yeah but you didn’t put the bag in and the garbage bins need to be organized.”

Or you complain all the time that your partner doesn’t listen, so now your partner is listening and your partner even says “I’m listening”

Your response is: “Yes, but now I need you to talk more.”

Part Three – If You Are a Toxic Communicator…

The main purpose of this article is awareness and understanding so you can recognize if you are a Toxic Communicator.

Now if you have discovered that you are Toxic Communicator here are a couple of suggestions for dealing with being a Toxic Communicator:

Give your partner the courtesy of saying that you would like to talk and that you need to clarify something then state the topic, give an estimated length of time for the talk and ask if it is a good time for the discussion.

If your partner says yes, honor both the time and the topic that you stated you are going to talk about and not switch topics.

If you want to change topics go through the same procedure again – say you have another topic you would like to discuss, state topic, length and then ask whether it is a good time to continue talking.

If you accidentally go off topic, admit to it, reset and go back to the originally agreed upon discussion first.

If you have to walk away or you are triggered, to prevent a control drama, admit to being triggered, explain that you love your partner; your intent is that you do want to continue the conversation at a later time when you have regrouped.

As well, take responsibility for being upset before going into the conversation, if you are upset go for a walk first, do something physical, breathe, drink water, make sure your blood sugar is good and you are well-fed and if you still can’t help being upset confess to it and own it versus blaming your partner for how you are feeling.

The another important thing that you need to do is find Functional, Successful, Healthy Forms of Communication to replace the dysfunctional, toxic ones such as the types of communication that we teach about in our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program.

What makes our forms of communication special is that they are based on unconditional love, abundance and creativity instead of communication taught in our society’s competitive adversarial beliefs such as there is scarcity and not enough resources so everyone has to fight to survive and strive.

For more information about Toxic Communication, Toxic Communicators and what can be done to change what is often simply a habit of communication you can reach Dr. Robby or I at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca or check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

2010-01-18T21:31:00.000-08:00

Toxic Communication: How To Tell If You Are A Toxic Communicator – Part One

Does your partner seem to want to avoid having discussions with you at all costs? When you are about to start talking do you see your partner’s eyes fill with fear? Do you wonder why it’s like trying to pull teeth to get your partner to open up with you when you are attempting communication with him or her?

If any of these questions sound familiar it may be because you are a Toxic Communicator and you may not even know it.

Most people when they think about having conversations with their partner think that the conversation is simply an auditory experience.

However, the reality is conversations are also an intellectual, emotional, mental, physical and energetic event. There is much more than just what you can hear and see that is going on which is why any toxicity that is involved in a conversation can have multi-layered effects for all involved.

What makes it even more intense is if the person giving the toxicities has no idea what they are doing so they will end up using their toxic communication and if what they are trying to get across doesn’t seem to be working they will just unknowingly amp up the toxicity or switch to another toxic form of communication.

This can lead to severe communication issues as the partner on the receiving end of the toxicity begins to pull away, react or get defensive all the time and at the extreme end will be so overwhelmed by the toxicities that he/she will start looking elsewhere to get his/her needs met and end up having affairs or leaving his/her partner for someone who doesn’t have these toxic tendencies.

So it is a serious issue and it is no one’s fault if you are a toxic communicator, the best functional types of communication are not taught by society and most of the time people pick up bad habits and toxic ways of communicating from the competitive adversarial society they live in as well as from the family and social environment they grew up in. Often toxic communication can even be passed down from one generation to the next.

So the following are a list of different forms or types of toxic communication that Toxic Communicators use that not many people may have heard of or be aware of that is important to put a stop to in order to have a Functional and Successful Relationship in the area of communication:

1) The Bait and Switch:

You start off with a safe topic that you announce that you want to talk to your partner about so that your partner is open and ready to have this topic of discussion with you then you suddenly shift to another topic out of the blue causing your partner to be totally taken off balance, confused and off guard.

2) The No Win Situation Provider:

You have a no win situation of yours and regardless of whether your partner is involved or can do anything about this no win situation, you tell him or her anyway.

However you are so confused, in limbo and all over the map because of the no win situation that this puts your partner into a situation where his/her hands are tied and he/she is helpless to help you in anyway other than being able to listen and validate you - yet even though a Mensa member wouldn't be able to solve your situation in the current way you are looking at it you are expecting and demanding that your partner save you and solve your dilemma.

Worse yet, there may be times when you really don't want a solution or are not willing to do what is really needed to be done to resolve the situation so you just keep telling your partner about it so you can relieve stress.

So not only is this a lot of pressure on your partner it is toxic because your partner feels bad for your dilemma yet feels helpless to do anything about it - it is even more toxic if your partner is part of the no win situation.

3) The Spinner:

You spin by jumping to so many topics in rapid precession your partner is overwhelmed and confused and his/her head is spinning. Then if your topics of conversation involve negativity and personal attacks towards your partner it is like you are a machine gun hitting your partner with round after round of painfully toxic emotional, physical and energetic bullets.

4) The Drama King or Queen:

You use “control dramas” to keep control of the situation and conversation by reacting to anything that you don't like by bursting out crying, running away, going silent, back talking, sarcasm, invalidation, mismatching, changing topics and even eye rolling in order to keep control of what you want to talk about and to try and influence your partner.

5) The Ambusher:

Your partner is minding his or her own business and suddenly out of the blue you pounce and begin talking usually in an intense and upset manner - it's about as shocking to your partner as the shower scene at the end of the Psycho movie.

6) Subconscious Mind Influencer:

As with most of these toxic forms of communication people don't actually know what power they are having over people. For some people who come from the Competitive Adversarial Paradigm they just can feel that this technique works or they have used this technique successfully in the past, but in any case you may use Subconscious Mind Influencing Techniques that goes directly into your partner's mind practically forcing him/her to do things involuntarily or against his/her will.

Your partner may not know why you are having such an influence but after a while your partner begins to realize that he/she is vulnerable and easily influenced around you and will start to guard and protect him/herself by avoiding having discussions with you.

So examples of Subconscious Mind wording and influencing include "you should" "you ought" and “aren't you going to do_ and _?”

In Part Two of our Toxic Communication: How To Tell If You Are A Toxic Communicator we will be revealing another six types of toxic communication as well as offering some suggestions as to what to do if your discover you are a in fact a Toxic Communicator.

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Want To Save Your Relationship? We have a free e-course, free video tutorials & free tips For You @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com/FreeVideos.html

2009-12-05T20:08:00.000-08:00

Can Your Relationship Be Saved After Your Partner’s Midlife Crisis?

It is hard enough recovering, healing and regaining trust with your partner when he or she cheated on you but it becomes even harder if your partner has a midlife crisis and has left you for a period of time to be with someone else.

During the time of the midlife crisis you feel betrayed and abandoned, your partner doesn’t seem to care judging by his or her actions, everyone around you is mortified that your partner is doing this to you and your friends and family are hell-bent on making sure you don’t take your partner back ever.

The whole mid-life crisis seems so dark in nature and irreversible it almost seems impossible to even justify taking your partner back.

Yet there is something in your heart and soul that is telling you to hang in there and keep the eternal flame of your relationship lit.

Yet you wonder is it truly possible to have a future with your partner after so much potential damage has been done?

The answer is Yes – there are couples who have recovered from the mid-life crisis – the partner had to discover for him or her self what was truly in his or her heart and discover what was causing the emptiness in his or her life.

So once he or she is back, your next question will be – so where do I go from here?

The following are some important suggestions on how to successfully repair and rebuild your relationship.

1) Learn About What Causes Toxicities and Deficiencies in Relationships.

It’s nothing personal but a relationship is a mutual fulfillment of needs plus we are unique individuals with unique needs and have unique ways upon how we would like our needs to be met.

So you may have done everything in your power to give your partner what you think he/she needs or your partner may have even told you what his/her needs are or your partner may not even know what his/her needs are but in any case you may have been missing the mark in the area of successfully giving your partner what he or she wants in the way he or she wants it.

So now is the time to learn all about how people are unique and in particular what your partner’s needs, wants and requirements are. You also need to find out how to communicate clearly with your partner, learn creative negotiation techniques to fill in compatibility gaps as well as learn healthy, functional, unconditional love based approaches to having a relationship with your partner.

When all these areas are put in place not only will this help repair your relationship, but maintain and create a foundation for a new relationship to be created for you and your partner.

2) End Your Old Relationship and Start a Fresh New Relationship:

The reality is the original relationship that you had with your partner is never going to be the same and needs to be rebuilt from the ground or foundation up.

So it is best for the both of you to bring you old relationship to a close – all rules, agreements and past issues brought to an end and start fresh a new relationship where everything is created together by the two of you in ways that will work best for the both of you.

You can symbolically end your old relationship by removing, burying, throwing away or burning something that represents your old relationship and/or renewing your vows and deciding on something such as ring or a memento to represent your new relationship.

3) Maintain Your Social Network of Supporters

All because you and your partner are working on putting your relationship back together doesn’t mean that you don’t need your family, friends or support groups anymore.

There are times when you are going to need to talk about unresolved hurts and there are times when you will need to talk to others about how rebuilding your relationship is going so although you may be totally wrapped up in repairing your relationship with your partner, always remember to keep people around in your life to share with other than your partner.

4) Give Each Others Space When Needed

There is going to be a part of you that will feel like you never want to leave your partner alone for a second especially when you are just learning to trust your partner again.

However the reality is both of you (yes, even your partner) has been through a very trying and traumatic experience so if you or your partner feel like you need a little space to breathe it is important to honour these feelings.

Like anything in life, quality time is more important then the quantity of time so when both you are more relaxed and have the freedom to go at one’s own pace much more progress will occur in the rebuilding and repairing of your relationship.

5) Laugh and Have Fun Together

Every new moment is a new gift to create love, fun and happiness together so don’t miss out on opportunities to build wonderful memories of your renewed relationship.

Laughing, having fun and playing together recaptures the innocence of your relationship as well as reconnects the bond that the two of you once shared.

Following these five suggestions will all help to heal and inspire you and your partner towards having a new relationship that is safe and loving and once again the two of you will be able to share your eternal flame together.

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

For more information on repairing and rebuilding your relationship including learning about your partner’s uniqueness, mutual fulfillment of needs and functional Relationship Mastery Skills such as Communication and Creative Negotiation Techniques check-out our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Relationship Program @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com as well as our Free Relationship Advice and Relationship Video Tutorial Blog @ http://counsellorinabox.com/FreeVideos.html

2009-11-16T22:45:00.000-08:00

4 Reasons To Not Be O.K. With Your Partner Having A Friend of The Opposite Sex

For people who are not naturally trusting or who have been betrayed by their relationship partners in the past can see as clear as day why it is not a good idea to be o.k. with their partner having a friendship with a member of the opposite sex.

Other people who are trusting may think that they can trust their partner without question, so there is not a problem at all with their partner starting a friendship with a member of the opposite sex or continuing a friendship with someone of the opposite sex that their partner was already friends with before they came along.

Well, the following are inevitable consequences that can occur that may lead to a person’s partner becoming emotionally bonded or worse yet fall in love or become physically attracted enough to have an affair or choose to start a relationship with their friend of the opposite sex.

1) Bonding:

When people work closely together or play together whether that is with members or the opposite sex or not these activities create a bonding experience.

It is just the way it is, you see it all the time even enemies bond as well as bosses and assistants even humans and aliens bond ( E.T., The original TV series “V” and the movie “Enemy Mine” to name a few examples) - it is just human nature.

Then if this close platonic friendship involves members of the opposite sex and these members share a traumatic experience together or a dramatic separation from each other - it’s now a done deal – all of a sudden they realize that they are in love and can’t stand to be away from each other.

This doesn’t happen to everyone, but if either person in this friendship is unhappy, stressed or experiencing low self esteem – this highly increases the chances of “falling in love”

2) Contrast/Courtship Phenomenon:

When two people first meet and are attracted to one another they are in what is called a “Courtship Phase” where each person will pull out all the stops in order to woo, impress and secure or “land” the mate.

Once the landing occurs and the partners feel safe (it’s different for each person it can be going steady, moving in together, getting engaged or getting married) they return to their more natural, authentic state and unless they have a relationship addiction issue, both members of the relationship will no longer feel the need to impress or woo their partner as intensely any more.

What happens when a person is in a serious relationship but has a friend who is of the opposite sex is the person, without knowing it is in a continuous state of courtship with the friend and visa versa.

So compared to their own partner, this friend is always going to seem like the best invention since sliced bread – this friend of the opposite sex is fun, adventurous and unconditionally loving unlike their relationship partner who is stressed out, nagging, distracted, and critical – their friend is like heaven.

So a contrast effect occurs so even if the friendship stays platonic, the partner at home who is being authentic is continuously being judged and compared to unrealistic standards by their partner who has the friend and this judgment is going to be felt and will start creating negative emotions and situations for the couple.

For females who have a male friend, if the male friend understands and “gets” her (unlike her partner which is often the case) this releases “serotonin” the feel good brain chemical that creates a sense of well being. So not only will her male friend be in her good books, there is a chemical bonding that is occurring that is not happening or she is not getting from her partner.

For males with female friends, the courtship phase is like an enjoyable challenge and pursuit that releases “dopamine” another “feel good” brain chemical which also increases bonding with the female friend.

For both male and females the continuous courtship and chemical bonding can also increase the chances of relationship addiction to kick in.

3) Relationship Centred People Can Only Handle One Relationship At A Time:

If the partner who has the friend is Relationship Centred – he/she can only connect with one person at a time so when he or she is with the friend it is harder to switch back to being centred emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually with his or her partner.

If the other partner who doesn’t have a friend is also Relationship Centred and is Highly Sensitive not only will they be able to tell when their partner is not connected to him or her when they are together as a couple, he or she will also pick up when his/her partner is not connected when he/she is away with the friend.

This is going to cause a lot of friction and feelings of abandonment as well as potential trust issues which can lead to control dramas on the part of the partner who is feeling the disconnection as well as a build up of the negative emotions called the Great Dividers of Love.

4) Self – Fulfilling Prophecy:

If the other partner has any history of being cheated on, is Relationship Centred or just plain has a lot of reasons to feel jealous or threatened because their partner is spending a lot of time and is doing things for the friend of the opposite sex – a few things are going to happen:

The partner at home is going to start acting out and wanting the partner to stop seeing the friend causing negative downstate’s and a toxic environment, arguments and powerstruggles or the partner at home will hold their emotions in and develop depression, develop an illness or shutdown emotionally.

In all of these situations, especially if the partner at home is making the partner with the friend feel guilty and/or accusing the partner of having an affair – the partner at home is actually pushing their partner towards the friend and this ongoing build-up of deficiencies and toxicities in their relationship will potentially lead to their partner getting their needs met and starting an affair with the friend.

So relationships is just like tending a garden, if you do not keep the weeds out of your garden, the weeds will eventually start moving in and taking over your garden, so it is your duty as the gardener or guardian of your relationship to not allow anything toxic like weeds or friends of the opposite sex to crowd in and overtake your relationship.

For other tips on how to cheat proof and build a solid, secure relationship with your partner visit our Counsellor in a Box Free Relationship Video Tutorials & Reports Blog @ http://counsellorinabox.com/FreeVideos.html

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Centre For Life Management

http://www.betterparentsbetterkids.com

http://www.trueloveondemand.com

http://www.lovebydesignbook.com

http://www.counsellorinabox.com

http://www.drrobbyonline.com

http://www.relationshipbeach.com

http://melodychasesrelationshipinfo.wordpress.com

Email: relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

(204) 475-0323

2009-11-01T23:47:00.000-08:00

How To Prep For The Reality That Your Partner Is Cheating

If you suspect your partner is cheating then you need to prepare yourself and not just jump into telling your partner because it is not just your partner who is going to get caught with their pants down.

You are about to step into the biggest upheaval of your life and although you will never be completely prepared for what is about to unfold, at least you can do the best you can to prepare.

So the following are some important things you must do:

1) Open a Separate Banking Account

Open a separate banking account and start putting money in just in case your partner wants to play dirty or tries to blackmail you especially if his/her girlfriend/boyfriend is in the picture.

2) Contact a Lawyer

Just as important, make sure to find a lawyer and talk to a lawyer to ensure that your lawyer is on top of everything legally for you and so you are aware of what your legal rights are.

3) Keep An Emergency Exit Plan

Keep money and change on you at all times and a bag packed in case you have to leave suddenly.

4) Step-up A Place To Stay

Find a place to stay e.g. friends, relatives, or a hotel and start setting up there so if you have to leave and you can’t get back in the house right away that you are comfortably set-up.

5) Prepare Friends and Family

Tell the people that you are going to have as your social network a head of time about the fact that you may be calling out your partner on his/her affair so that they can prepare and recover in time to help you during your time of needing support and encouragement.

6) Ensure Your Business Is Not Effected

If you work from home make sure you have internet access and whatever else you need to set-up shop if you are the one leaving – it is going to be hard enough as it is to work so the less complications the better.

7) Take Care of Yourself

Get lots of sleep, eat, take vitamins, exercise – you are going to need all the energy and good health.

8) Find a Support Counsellor

Search out and prepare to find a Support Counsellor for yourself and a Family Counsellor for your children. If it is a Midlife Crisis situation with your partner don’t even bother with the Marriage Counselling for now – just take care of yourself and your family.

9) Prepare Your Children

If you know your partner is cheating for sure, you can prepare your children by saying that you and your partner need a break from each others but it has nothing to do with them and both of you love them and they are safe – you and the children just will be visiting Grandma for a while and you will be telling your partner soon.

10) Promise Yourself To Keep Your Faith

Promise Yourself to keep your faith – whatever keeps you at a high level of vibration and unconditional love - promise yourself never to turn your back on this – this is going to be the light that is going to get your through the dark tunnel.

11) Remember To Still Live Your Life

Allow yourself to Still Dance, Be in Joy, Laugh and Love now and once the flood gates are open – you still have your life to live no matter what so embrace everything and live – don’t waste a moment of your life – it is still the only one you are living right now.

From a position of security, safety and support you can then decide which route your relationship is going from there.

If your partner wants you back and wants to repair your relationship then I would recommend our Counsellor in a Box Home Relationship Study Program (http://www.counsellorinabox.com) to help you rebuild your relationship on a new and stronger foundation.

If your partner is not interested in getting back together but you do I would recommend both our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Program and Cucan Pemo’s Retrieve a Lover System http://www.retrievealover.com which is about How To Get Your Lover Back and/or Stop Your Divorce.

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Want To Save Your Relationship? We have a free e-course, free video tutorials & free tips For You @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com/FreeVideos.html

2009-10-15T18:10:00.000-07:00

What To Do When Your Partner Is Having a “Midlife Crisis”

Special Note: To make this article easier to read I will be using “He” when referring to the person having the Midlife Crisis but of course you can substitute with the appropriate gender.

So what do you do when your partner is having a midlife crisis and in particular if your partner’s midlife crisis involves an affair with another person?

LEAVE – Yes, either leave or have your partner leave the premises until he is done his soul searching and figures out what he wants with his life. Stay at a friends, relatives, even a shelter if your partner refuses to leave himself.

Separating is especially important when he is saying things like “ I just don’t see a future together”, “I’m afraid to have sex with you right now because I am confused and I am afraid that that we will get pregnant even though I still find your attractive” or “ I can’t get rid of her because she is my business partner and I have invested 4 years into the business” or “give me time to get rid of her – I just can’t handle telling her right now with all the pressure – oh my high blood pressure” ( And there will be pressure and stress hence why he is having the midlife crisis.)

Be personable and friendly to keep necessary communication about such things as finances, children, business ties etc in tact but otherwise cut all connection to your partner.

No connection includes sex of course but even more subtle things such as kissing, hugging, snuggles, intimate conversations and dating in the beginning.

If you still want to have a relationship with your partner tell him you are still interested and you will wait but at a distance until he sows he wild oats.

The reality is with most midlife crisis’s there is no immediate way to sway him back to having your old relationship with you unless he experiences you completely disconnecting from him.

At first you giving him the cold shoulder will not be a big deal for him and he’ll be giving you negotiation suggestions like “Well, I’ll stop seeing her on a personal basis I’ll just continue being business partners with her” and other utterly ridiculous beyond belief suggestions that will make you gasp in disbelief – but hold firm and do not negotiate at this stage of the game.

This is because whether he admits to still loving you or not – his head is in the clouds and you hold no value to him hence no power for negotiation – it is easy for him just to drop you like a hot potato especially if you pressure him even if you are married and/or have been together for many, many years.

Holding firm and not allowing him in your life until he has done his soul searching will lead to 1 of 2 things – he’ll either snap out of his low self-esteem, fantasy world and “can’t handle reality” phase into a functional, healthy, mature phase of choosing you and rebuilding a new life and relationship with you or he’ll drop you and leave with the new person.

The drop you and leave with the new person route sounds absolutely horrible – I know - your stomach dropped out and landed on the floor when you read this but to save the heart break and disappointment of being hurt, betrayed and disappointed on pretty much a daily basis while he is in his mid-life crisis – it is much easier to cut your “losses” and grieve and go through the 7 stages of loss so you can recover and carry on with your life – with or without your partner – let time and commitment to self-love shake things out for you instead.

The other danger of trying to control the external and trying to woo and/ or negotiate with your partner is that on top of the initial damage done of being caught cheating or your partner telling you that he is not sure about yours and his relationship anymore is your partner letting you think that you have as much meaning to him as used bath water.

If you stay and try to make it work while he’s in the middle of his fantasyland he will hurt you over and over and the repetitive scarring to your heart and soul starts building up and eventually you will become hard and cold.

The Great Dividers of Love becomes so heavy and hard that even when he does return to you, you may be too far gone and even if your heart manages to be resuscitated the damage to the relationship is going to be humongous – rebuilding your relationship is going to be a tremendous undertaking (especially if you are repetitively hurt day after day) - only the strongest can survive.

So you need to come from a state of grace, self-respect, confidence and self-love.

Sure you are going to be all over the map emotionally – raging, crying, shaking from waves of abandonment coursing through your body but just remember don’t hold it in – it is your right to grieve – for your health on all levels including mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually make sure you let it all out on your own time and/or with friends, family, counsellors etc.

As well, allow your emotions to run free because even though your heart may be bleeding, the flow of emotions prevents your heart from getting clogged up and scarred metaphorically as well potentially physically.

Now, during this time period, (once you are over being stunned) is the perfect time to work on yourself and focus on self-love since grief usually puts you into the now and you are very present so you will be able to achieve amazing levels of healing and rising of consciousness, maybe not in the specific area of your relationship because your situation is so raw, but you may learn a lot about yourself and make realizations about your past that will take you to new levels of growth and self-appreciation now and for the future.

Working on yourself is also a great way to fill in the moments when you begin to feel impatient and want to try and force your partner into bending to your wants and needs which when done too early into the separation just pushes him away further.

Just remember hold true to yourself and remain strong.

Imagine you have a daughter if you don’t already have one (or a son) and however you are choosing to treat yourself is how your daughter is learning to treat herself – would you want your child to be a doormat or would you want her to learn about self-respect, grace, confidence and self-love even in the face of possibly the biggest upheaval of her life.

Last but not least, although it may seem really hard to believe right now but have faith that everything will be alright for you regardless of what happens – some people may not like the word surrender but have an intention of what your want but no expectations and you will be fine as well as understand that detachment to your current situation will give you the peace of mind and stamina to remain strong and in a state of grace.

So you need to protect your heart and hold firm, you are holding the flame of your relationship – it is your job to maintain and assure that the flame doesn’t burn-out until you get to the point where both you and your partner can see clearly enough and decide whether to continue tending to the flame or not.

If you and your partner eventually decide to continue your relationship we are here to support you - we have our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Program to help you rebuild your relationship @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com, and for free relationship resources check-out our Counsellor in a Box Blog and Relationship Tutorial Site @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com/FreeVideos.html

You may also email us with any relationship questions @ relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Want 2 Save Your Relationship? We have a free e-course, free video tutorials & free tips 4 U @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com/FreeVideos.html

2009-09-15T04:09:00.000-07:00

The Untold Story of Being a Highly Sensitive Person and Your Relationship

In our Love By Design Book and in our Love By Design Top 10 Ten Compatibilities For Relationship Success Free E-course (http://www.lovebydesignbook.com) one of the Top Ten Compatibilities that we talk about is Capacity.

Specifically, do you and your partner have the capacity - mentally, emotionally and physically to be in a relationship?

In our Love By Design Book and in our Love By Design E-course we give some examples of Capacity such as being emotionally, mentally or physically burn-out or if you and/or your partner have a chronic illness how this can effect the synergy and functionality of your relationship.

One area that we touched on but didn’t go into very much detail about was if you and/or your partner is a Highly Sensitive Person.

According Dr. Elaine N. Aron, PhD’s book “The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You." (Published by Broadway Books, 1997), being a Highly Sensitive Person “means your nervous system is more sensitive to subtleties. Your sight, hearing and sense of smell are not necessarily keener (although it may be) but your brain processes information and reflects on it more deeply.”

Therefore a Highly Sensitive Person is someone who is sensitive or more finely tuned to different forms of energy such as light, sound, temperature, smells, touch and even emotions.

As a Highly Sensitive Person, I have learned that being Highly Sensitive is a blessing, however it took me a while to discover the Positivities and learn how to work with or along side my abilities versus seeing my sensitivities as an up hill battle that was more of a hindrance than a benefit.

Having my old “my sensitivities are an uphill battle” mindset definitely did not help me when I was married to someone who was not as Highly Sensitive as me because:

1) I didn’t know enough and didn’t take the time to try to explain what I was all about so my partner would understand why I had to do things to the beat of my own drum all the time and…

2) My negative attitude towards myself created situations where I was my own worst enemy – afterall if I don’t have my own back and I am not kind, supportive and empathetic towards myself how is anyone else suppose to?

When I was married to my 1^st husband, he was very active and very social and could go 24/7 – I was never able to keep up with him because on top of the normal impact of being Highly Sensitive I did not how to properly take care of myself and even if I did my low level of self-love because of what I used to think was a “disability” (being so sensitive all the time) there was no way I would validate or allow myself to follow my energy and take care of myself properly.

So the end result for me was that I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and if I would stay still for longer than 45 minutes at a time I’d fall asleep.

Over time my ex-husband and I grew further and further apart – he’d spend more and more time with family and friends - he was family and friend centred to begin with but he would have to rely on others even more because I just wasn’t up to full capacity to fulfilling his need for constant socializing and activity.

Even though he never expressed his feelings, I’m sure he felt abandoned and lonely as well.

At times, during our marriage I was working a full-time and a part time job so by the end of the day attempting to cook wasn't happening and activities of daily living like cleaning and keeping organized would suffer as well.

So eventually, combined with the rest of our incompatibilities we did get divorced. He carried on and is now remarried and has a child.

Since then I have found Dr. Robby who is Highly Sensitive like myself but even for us we had to adapt to having to follow our own unique energy and rhythms of life to function at our highest and best.

If we didn’t know what we know today, even as two Highly Sensitive People we would have had a lot of Powerstruggles to contend with.

So if there is anything that I would like to get across in this article is the importance of finding out if you and/or your partner is Highly Sensitive and from there do research to see how wonderful, positive and productive your life together can be when you understand your uniqueness and unconditionally love, support, and honour how you and/or your partner need to take care of yourselves.

Just as important too - if you or your partner is Highly Sensitive take the time to ensure that yours and your partner’s perception of being Highly Sensitive is one of joy and celebration of knowing about the amazing gifts that you have been given to share with the world!

So the following are some wonderful resources to find out more about being Highly Sensitive:

“The Highly Sensitive Person. How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You." (Published by Broadway Books,1997) by Dr. Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D

"The Highly Sensitive Person In Love" (Published By Broadway Books, 2000) By Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D

For more information on both of these books see Dr. Elaine N. Aaron’s Website @ http://www.hsperson.com

The following link is to an article from a wonderful newsletter called “The Care & Feeding of Empaths & Highly Sensitive Persons” Newsletter. The article itself is called “What Are Self-Coaching Skills & Why Do Sensitive’s Need Them?” by Carolyn Wilson-Elliot.

Even though I just recently read the article, the article really helped me to empower my abilities as a Highly Sensitive Person – once you read it you’ll know and get a sense of what I mean – here is the link:

http://quantumspirit.net/Empaths/Home/WhatareSelf-CoachingSkills/index.cfm

As well, there are many, many people out there who will encourage you and support you.

My article today was inspired after talking to a wonderful person I know on Twitter who’s Twitter Account name is @RevMeKila

If you go to my @ChannelofLight Account (my @MelodyChase Account as well) on Twitter and check out the Profiles of people that I follow you will see an amazing support network of Highly Sensitive People are out there - so go by your feelings and energy if you are drawn to follow any of these amazing people!

Warm Regards

Melody Chase

Want 2 Save Your Relationship? We have a free e-course, free video tutorials & free tips for you @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com/FreeVideos.html

2009-08-15T04:57:00.000-07:00

Unavailability: The Silent Relationship Enemy – Part Two

Welcome back for Part Two of our Two Part series on Unavailability.

In Part One I talked about the 6 areas of availability in a relationship that a couple can be unavailable in.

Now for Part Two let’s discuss what to do now since you know that there is an issue of unavailability.

Part Two – Now What?

I have created the following 3 steps or suggestions on how to deal with issues of unavailability in your relationship.

1) Acknowledge That You or Your Partner/Love Interest is Unavailable

The first step is to see the elephant sitting in the middle of the room for what it is – you and/or your partner is unavailable in one or more ways of being unavailable.

This will give you a base to work with in order to deal with you issue which is now officially real versus being ignored or invisible.

2) Acknowledge The Possibility That You May Not Be Able To Get Your Needs Met With This Partner/Love Interest:

It is important to acknowledge that you may not be able to get your needs met with your partner/love interest if you choose to stay in the relationship with him/her and release all expectations in the relationship.

It is like the Serenity Prayer by Elizabeth Sifton "God, Give us the grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, Courage to change the things which should be changed, And the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."

3) Develop a Plan To Bridge The Incompatibility Gaps:

In both our Love By Design (http://www.lovebydesignbook.com ) and Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program (http://www.counsellorinabox.com )

We talk about negotiation and creative solutions.

This is what is going to have to happen if you choose to stay in a relationship with an unavailable person.

Yes you can choose to accept your situation for what it is but keep in mind that you will not be getting your needs met so you will have to be at peace with this.

You can also leave the relationship if you and your partner/love interest chooses not to negotiate or come up with creative solutions.

However if you have chosen to negotiate and/or use creative solutions you will have to learn how to negotiate in ways that work best for the both of you since both of you are unique.

Even more important both you and your partner/love interest need to have an open mind and think outside of the box to come up with creative solutions that are win/win and are highest and best for both of you.

Your power lies in your intention for what is highest and best for all versus logic so be open to all possibilities when it comes to creative solutions and/or negotiations and allow your creative minds to flow and your imagination play in harmony together.

If you need further advice on negotiation and creative solutions we have extensive information and resources in our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Relationship Program @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Wishing You All The Best,

Melody Chase

Do You Want to Save, Improve or Repair Your Relationship? We Have a Free 7 part E-Course, Free Video Tutorials & Free Tips For You ! Visit us @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com/FreeVideos.html

2009-08-01T21:42:00.000-07:00

Unavailability: The Silent Relationship Enemy – Part One

We often have clients who come in to see us for relationship advice and counselling because their partner/ love interest appears to be into them, attracted and/or in love with them yet is never available. Our clients always seem to be fighting for their partner/love interest’s time and attention.

If you are one of these baffled people like these clients, I have created the following two part article to assist you in two areas in particular.

In the 1^st area or Part 1 of our series I will list the 6 types of availability so you can see which area or areas that you or your partner may not be available in and in Part 2 I will give you some suggestions as to what to do about your situation now since you are aware that there is in fact an issue of unavailability going on in your relationship.

Part One: 6 Types of Availability

At our Centre For Life Management and in our Love By Design Book (http://www.lovebydesignbook.com ) we talk about 6 types of Availability in a relationship.

Knowing what they are will help you to understand what they are and accept that they are real as well as at a bare minimum acknowledge that there is an issue that needs to be addressed in your relationship.

The 6 types of availability in a relationship are as follows: (I will include examples of “unavailability” for each of them)

1) Geographic – Your partner/love interest lives in a different city, town, location etc.

2) Social – Your partner/love interest is married or dating or living with someone else

3) Emotional – Your partner/love interest is shut down and can't deal with situations, emotions and affection

4) Physical – Your partner/love interest is not affectionate or he/she cannot do anything or go out because of illness or other reasons

5) Sexual - Your partner/love interest can't or won’t have sex with you

6) Mentally – Your partner/love interest is not on the same page - no form of communication connects with him/her

As I mentioned, in Part Two we will be discussing what to do now since you are aware of yours and your partner’s unavailability.

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Do You Want to Save, Improve or Repair Your Relationship? We Have a Free 7 part E-Course, Free Video Tutorials & Free Tips For You! Visit us @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com/FreeVideos.html

2009-07-20T22:34:00.000-07:00

Power Struggle Quiz – Are You Aware Of What Is Really Eating Away At Your Relationship?

In many of my books and articles I talk about hidden powerstruggles in relationships and how if you are not aware of the hidden powerstruggles that they will eat away at your relationship and cause a build up of anger, frustration and resentment for both you and your partner.

So I created this Power Struggle Quiz to help bring to light some of the common powerstruggles of relationships that couples often have.

These power struggles often occur because both partners don’t realize that they are both unique individuals so they assume that what they like or want would be the same as their partner therefore they would never have thought to ask their partner whether they may have different likes, needs or views.

If you take the quiz and find out that you and your partner do have powerstruggles that were hidden, this does not mean that you are incompatible with each other, it just means that now that you are aware of what is really going on you can set to work at creating negotiations and creative solutions to assure that everyone gets their needs met without the conflict of the hidden powerstruggles.

At the bare minimum you will at least be aware of what is causing the powerstruggle so you can prepare yourself and choose healthier options other than reacting with anger or frustration or carrying out control dramas to try and get your needs met.

To take the quiz, have you and your partner take the quiz separately then compare notes and see how much (if any) hidden powerstruggles (answers that you and your partner do not match up on).

You can write your answers on a piece a paper or print the quiz out.

1) What does a relationship mean to you? (Circle as many as apply)

a) Relationships are about Survival: Two people banding together and pooling resources to get through life.
b) Relationships are about Learning and Expansion: People who believe in this definition believe that a relationship is an opportunity to expand themselves and their consciousness.
c) Safety and Security: People with this mindset believe that a relationship is a place of refuge, a place to feel safe and protected from the rest of the world.
d) Relationships are for Emotional Support: People who believe in this definition believe that a relationship is a place to feel supported and express one’s feelings and experiences.

2) How Do You Feel Cared For By Your Partner? (Circle all that apply)

a) When your partner is attentive towards you.
b) When your partner does things and activities with you.
c) When your partner does things for you when asked.
d) When your partner does things for you on his/her own initiative without you asking.
e) When your partner talks with you.
f) When your partner understands you.
g) When your partner reads your mind.
h) When you partner is physically affectionate towards you.
i) When your partner protects you/has your back.
j) When your partner compliments you.
k) When you partner speaks kindly towards you.
l) When your partner buys things for you.
m) When your partner makes you things i.e. builds you something or cooks or bakes.
n) When your partner emotionally supports you.
o) When your partner validates you in any area i.e. emotions, thinking, beliefs, perceptions etc.
p) When your partner respects your space and independence.
q) When your partner respects your values i.e. family centred, work centred, friend centred etc (this includes being relationship-centred too).
r) When your partner loves you unconditionally – loves you for being you.

3) Is there a Captain of the Ship? Who Makes The Final Decisions in Your Relationship?

a) You in charge
b) Your partner in charge
c) Both of you equally in charge
d) Neither of you are in charge

4) If you are equally in charge, does that mean … (you can skip this question if it doesn’t apply)

a) All final decisions are decided equality between the two you always.
b) Certain situations your partner can override you and make the final decision
c) Certain situations you can override your partner and make the final decision.

5) What does a ‘relaxing evening’ at home the majority of the time mean to you regardless of what your partner is doing or wants to do? (You can pick more than one, but keep in mind what you would like to do MOST OFTEN)

a) Snuggle on the couch watching t.v. together with your partner.
b) Some alone time (without your partner or kids) whether that is watching t.v., taking a nap, going on the computer, tinkering in the garage, playing a video game, doing a hobby or chore, reading a book, cooking or baking alone etc.
c) Doing chores together with your partner i.e. cleaning up the garage together, vacuuming together, tending the garden together, cooking together, doing dishes together etc.
d) Playing a board game, reading or playing videogames or playing cards together with your partner.
e) Going for a walk or drive together, going out for dinner, to a movie, sports game etc together (just the two of you).
f) Going for a walk or drive, dinner, a movie, sports game etc with you kids, relatives, friends and your partner all together.
g) Going for a walk or drive, dinner, a movie, sports game etc with you kids, relatives, friends without your partner.
h) Sitting and chatting together with your partner.
i) Chatting with other people other than your partner i.e. with kids, parents, siblings or friends.
j) Sitting on the porch or in the yard watching the sunrise or set, watching the stars, nature or the weather with your partner only.
k) Sitting on the porch or in the yard watching the sunrise or set, watching the stars, nature or the weather by yourself without your partner.
l) Sitting on the porch or in the yard watching the sunrise or set, watching the stars, nature or the weather with others like kids, relatives and friends along with your partner.
m) Planning the future and setting goals together with your partner.
n) Planning the future and setting goals by yourself without your partner.

If your partner is not interested in doing the quiz when you are doing yours, be creative such as when your partner isn’t busy ask for his/her answers to the quiz verbally, send the quiz to him/her via email or leave the quiz with him/her to answer when he/she feels like it and you will compare and total the answers yourself.

As long as you have the answers you, yourself can take the next step of coming up with creative negotiations and solutions to yours and your partner’s powerstruggles and incompatibilities and at the very least you have a heads-up and awareness of the potential of powerstruggles so you have choice as to how you choose to act or react since in the big picture it takes two to tango.

For more information on Hidden Powerstruggles, Creative Negotiation and Creative Solutions for Relationship Success check-out our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Relationship Program @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Want 2 Save, Improve or Repair Your Relationship? We have a free 7 part e-course, free video tutorials & free tips for you ! Visit us @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com/FreeVideos.html

2009-07-01T21:26:00.000-07:00

Making A Long Distance Relationship Work – Part 5

Welcome To part 5 of our 5 part series on “Making a Long Distance Relationship Work”

In Part 4 I talked about whether both of you have support systems. Now for the last part of our series let’s talk about whether both of you are interested in learning Relationship Mastery or Relationship Success Skills.

Part 5 - Are You Both Interested In Learning Relationship Mastery or Relationship Success Skills?

In our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Course (http://www.counsellorinabox.com ), we talk about what we call “Ad-ons”, Mini-Counselling Techniques, General Relationship Knowledge, Relationship Success or Relationship Mastery Skills.

What all of these terms are and what they are used for are that they are skills and techniques that are designed to enhance and make the best out of a couple’s situation in areas where they are not compatible.

Rather than people having to “Change” when they are not 100% compatible, these Relationship Mastery or Relationship Skills are techniques that people can “Ad-On” to themselves that will immensely help them “relate” in their relationship.

Some examples of these Skills or Techniques include Communication Techniques, Conflict Resolution Techniques, Negotiation Techniques, learning how to talk in each other’s Communication Modes and working along with one of the most important things to remember about relationships – that relationships are a mutual fulfillment of needs and you need to know what your partner needs in order to give your partner what he/she wants in the way he/she wants it (in ways that does not take away yourself or cause you to be inauthentic of course)

Even with couples who are highly compatible, if they have developed or learned any dysfunctional ways of relating to one another Relationship Mastery Skills and Techniques will be needed to override what they have learned.

Last but not least if members of a couple have unresolved childhood wounds that filter their perception of reality and that cause them to make decisions based on past behaviour and the past in general - on top of healing these wounds (which may or may take time) there are Relationship Mastery Skills that are needed to help keep the couple focused and making decisions based on their present reality.

An example of Relationship Mastery Skills that would help keep the couple focused would be using Communication Techniques that make sure that the person doing the talking is taking ownership of his/her own feelings and perceptions using “I feel” statements and statements such as “In My Opinion” or ‘In my perception of the situation...”

Relationship Mastery Skills may also be needed to “referee” the “triggers” or emotional outbursts that are often the result of childhood wounds being activated.

An example of a Relationship Mastery Skill that helps to prevent or referee a trigger is by being in the mindset of what we call at the Centre the L.A.N.A. Mindset (Love, Acceptance, Non-Resistance, Allowance) before entering into a conversation with you partner to avoid negative emotions that may be triggered for both the person talking and the person listening.

So you may be thinking that logically if you are in a Long Distance Relationship you won’t need to learn and use Relationship Mastery Skills because you are not with each other in continuous communication and since you are not living together what kind of negotiation would the two of you possibly need to attend to?

The reality is that it is even more important to have Relationship Mastery Skills when you are in a Long Distance Relationship because as long as you are in a relationship regardless of how far away – you still need to relate to each other.

Plus not only are the two you susceptible to the normal communication traps of individual perception, interpretation, definitions and filters - with less forms of communication available to interpret what each other are trying to say (since communication involves not only what you say but your body language/facial expression and tone of voice to create the full picture of what you are saying) this opens both of you up to much more miscommunication and misunderstanding.

So if you are in a Long Distance Relationship you need to make sure that having and/or learning Relationship Mastery Skills is a requirement in your relationship.

If your partner is not on board, this will lower your success rate of communication and functionally in the relationship but even if you just make it your own mission to learn as much as you can in the areas of communication, conflict resolution and negotiation techniques it will make for a much stronger relationship built on understanding and cooperation.

So of course, I’d recommend our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Program (http://www.counsellorinabox.com) that includes an entire Mainbook Chapter and Workbook Chapter on Relationship Mastery Skills, a mini-book on Communication Modes and a mini-book on Negotiation – but any resources you can find on Relationship Mastery is a great place to start.

It is also important to remember that we learn best through our own Communication Modes or Channels so each person is different as to what skills and techniques will work best for them so keep searching until you find material and resources that feel comfortable, easy and makes the most sense to you and encourage your partner to do the same if he or she is searching as well.

So this concludes our 5 part series, we at the Centre wish you and your long –distance relationship all the best.

If you have any questions you can email us @ relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase
Centre For Life Management
http://www.trueloveondemand.com
http://www.lovebydesignbook.com
http://www.counsellorinabox.com
http://www.drrobbyonline.com
Email: relationshipcentre@shaw.ca
(204) 475-0323

If you are looking for more suggestions on how to have a successful Long-Distance Relationship – check-out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Real-life, Practical, Proven Solutions, Support and Resources To Help You Create The Relationship of Your Dreams!

2009-06-15T21:02:00.000-07:00

Making A Long Distance Relationship Work – Part 4

Welcome To Part 4 of our 5 part series on “Making a Long Distance Romance Work”

In Part 3 I talked about whether both you and your partner feel loved - now for Part 4 let’s talk about “Do Both Of You have A Support System?”

Part 4 – Do You Both Have A Support System?

In one of our other series called “How To Stop Being Enmeshed With Your Ex- Partner – Part 3 Seek Support Elsewhere” (http://www.lovebydesignbook.blogspot.com) we talked about how not only is this world abundant, there is also an abundance of people willing to give you support for whatever issues you may have including of course needing support when you are in a Long Distance Relationship.

Not only is having a Long-Distance relationship susceptible to all the same types of issues that a couple that see each other everyday has, there are also issues unique to being in a Long-Distance Relationship.

These Long-Distance Relationship issues can be anything from being lonely, feeling left out from hanging out with other couples (or feeling like the third wheel), to trust issues and the potential deficiencies and toxicities that I have already been discussing throughout this series.

So it is vital to your Long Distance Relationship to make sure you have a support system set-up and functioning for you whether that is your family, friends, even support counsellors.

Check to see if there are support groups in your area and don’t count out systems of support that can be found on the internet such as http://www.loveshack.org/forums/ which is Relations Website Forum that has a specific forum on Long Distance Relationships.

It’s worth the time to do the research and make sure to keep in touch with your friends, family and community even if you do not seek out specific support, having the company and sense of connection with others is supportive in and of itself.

Just as important, you need to encourage your Long-Distance partner to have a support system set up as well since just like when on a team, the team is as strong as its weakest link.

In Part 5, we will be discussing whether both interested in learning relationship mastery or relationship success skills, so don’t forget to come back and visit!

Warm Regards Melody Chase

Centre For Life Management

http://www.trueloveondemand.com

http://www.lovebydesignbook.com

http://www.counsellorinabox.com

http://www.drrobbyonline.com

Email: relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

(204) 475-0323

Real-life, Practical, Proven Solutions, Support and Resources To Help You Create The Relationship of Your Dreams!

Plus ...

Want to Save Your Marriage Or Relationship? Get Your FREE Video Tutorials, Reports and
Templates to Get any Ex Back Today!
http://www.counsellorinabox.com/FreeVideos.html

2009-05-31T23:38:00.000-07:00

Making A Long Distance Relationship Work– Part 3

In Part 2 of our 5 part series on "How To Make Your Long Distance Relationship Work" we talked about whether all your needs are being met in the relationship.

Now for Part 3 let's discuss the topic of “Do Both of You Feel Loved?”

3) Do Both Of You Feel Loved?

In Part 2 of our series I was talking about the importance keeping the love, connection, passion and communication going for those stretches between physical visits with your long-distance partner.

The best way to go about doing this is to find out what yours and your partner’s communication modes are and come up with creative ways of expressing yourselves through your Communication Modes.

In addition, understanding and communicating in each other’s communication modes is important in and of itself in order to avoid deficiencies in many areas of your relationship including actual communication and the ability give love and feel love as Dr. Robby explains in the following excerpt from our Counsellor in a Box Communication Mode Mini-Book: (http://www.counsellorinabox.com)

Dr. Robby says:

“Communication is the result you get. Different people are on different channels. We learn, we express love and communicate through different modes or combinations of modes. It is important to know who you are playing with, what channel they are playing on or else your communication will not be very effective.”

“We basically all want to get what we want. If you cannot get your message through of what your needs, wants, dreams, goals and visions are, you will be very frustrated and stressed. You will feel very empty if you cannot communicate the love you have to give and the love you want, so an understanding of communication mode love strategies is a basic skill for relationship success.”

So what I will now do is give you:

A brief description of the Communication Modes.

A quick verbal way to tell what yours and your partner’s communication modes are.

Some examples of how you can communicate with your partner in each other’s communication modes.

REMEMBER Relationships are a mutual fulfillment of needs which means you need to give your partner what he/she wants in the way he/she wants it – so keep in mind that you want to look for ways on how your can express your love towards your partner and communicate in your partner’s communication mode and then explain if needed to your partner how you would like to receive your communication - by giving first to your partner, your partner will be better able to understand because he/she will be able to feel your love towards him/her and will be able to understand what you are teaching better since we all learn best via our own communication modes. In Dr. Robby’s Excerpt, he mentioned Love Strategies - there is an article by Bob Scheinfeld about Love Strategies that he had learned from Tony Robbin’s “Three Days to Unlimited Power Program.” In Bob Scheinfeld’s article, he explains how a person in each communication mode would like to be loved.

Bob Scheinfeld has an explanation for Visual, Auditory and Kinesthetic people; however, he has left out the Digitals people - so we have added some information on Digitals to his explanation.

One last note before we begin - there are 4 main communication modes and a person can be a blend of 1, 2, 3 or all 4 and some communication modes may be stronger than others.

Visual Communication Mode:

Visual people communicate by seeing and doing. They like activities and they like gifts. They notice people, places and things with just the slightest glance. They feel and share love by doing things with or for other people. They take things at face value and do not look deeper into things. They learn by seeing and doing.

People who are in the Visual love strategy need to “see” that you love them. “Seeing” takes the form of receiving flowers or gifts and/or seeing you do unexpected thoughtful acts for them (like a special romantic evening or getaway, a massage, a day of pampering, etc.). People with this strategy need to see “evidence” or “proof.”

There are some basic things that your partner will say during normal conversations which will help you figure out what mode or modes your partner is in.

A Visual person will say things like “I see or do you see what I mean.”

The most obvious suggestion for a long-distance relationship if your partner and/or you communicate in the Visual channel is take the time to schedule visits to see each other in person whenever possible (without making it too stressful on both of your lifestyles and/or careers since that can create deficiencies and toxicities for both of you and the relationship as well)

Visual people need to see and be with their partner for connection and to feel loved so that “in person” visit is like a “recharge” – it’s like plugging in your cell phone when your batteries are low.

Now for creative ideas to “communicate” in the Visual channel you need to think up as many ways that you can to “see’ each others – keep pictures and videos of your partner and the two of you together on your camera phone, have a webcam set-up when you are emailing each other or chatting using Skype (or other similar technologies), send each others video or live stream of each other via your computer, send each other pictures via emails on the computer (or your camera phones, PDAs etc ) and/or send pictures to each other of each other via the old fashioned snailmail.

There are even home phones now days where you can see each other while talking to each other long-distance.

To get even more creative you can go to one of those photo places (or do some of the following ideas at home too) and get pictures of you or the two of you made into a poster, calendar, keychain, magnet, button –the sky’s the limit – so you will always have each other nearby where both of you can see each other.

It seems simple but you will “see” the huge difference on how loved and connected the two of you will feel and will continue to feel.

Auditory Communication Mode:

Auditory people communicate through talking. They have the natural gift of the gab and are designed to be able to talk for long periods of time. They enjoy talking and listening to other people talk. They feel loved when they are talked to, and like to hear the words “I love you”. They learn by hearing.

People with the Auditory love strategy need to hear the words “I love you” (or similar words) to feel totally and completely loved. The also want to connect through conversation. Talk, talk, and more talk.

In order to tell if your partner is Auditory, your partner will say “Do you hear what I am saying or I hear what you are saying or I hear you.”

For an Auditory partner or if you are Auditory I would recommend getting a really good Long-Distance Calling Plan or get a service like Skype where you are can talk to each other via your computers/the internet. Even just a quick call to say “Hello” on a frequent basis will help.

You can also send each other Mp3 Audios of each other’s voices or each other’s favorite songs (which can be a Digital Communication Mode Technique as well). You can use the same techniques as the Visual people do but focusing on sound instead such as webcams and videos or live-streaming. You can send each other a tape cassette via mail too.

There are even cards for special events like Birthdays where you can record your voice on them. For example I bought one of these cards for my Mom for Mother’s Day and I recorded myself saying “I Love You” on it - now everyday my Mom gets up and opens my card and hears my voice.

The important thing to remember is to talk and chat as often as yours and your partner’s lifestyles and/or careers can comfortably handle.

Digital Communication Mode:

Digital people communicate through connection and understanding. They find the deeper meaning in everything they think, see and do. Understanding is very important to them. They feel loved when they share connections with others and are understood. They learn by understanding.

Digital people seek to understand and to be understood in order to feel loved. They would like to connect at an emotional, intellectual and spiritual level.

In order to tell if your partner is Digital, your partner will say “Do you know what I mean or I understand what you mean.”

Digital people can use the same techniques as Visual and Auditory people do but just remember to seek to understand your partner and connect with him/her.

Writing to your partner in any form or in any vehicle is also great if he or she is Digital. Poetry or writing a story that involves the two of you together really will help him/her to feel part of your inner world and that you understand him/her and his/her inner world. (This is also a good technique for Visual people because they get to ‘see’ what you wrote).

Even connecting through Social Networking Sites like Twitter where you and your long-distance partner can keep up with each other’s day to day activities will keep the two of you mentally connected and “in the know (It’s also great for Auditory people because of the chat factor and Visual peoples because you are asking “What Are You Doing?”)

Kinesthetic Communication Mode:

Kinesthetic people communicate through their bodies. They move, feel and express through their bodies and love doing physical activities. Kinesthetic people love to touch and are very touchy-feely. They feel loved when they are touched. They learn through touch and through experience.

People with the Kinesthetic love strategy need to be touched in certain ways or in certain places to feel totally and completely loved. It might be massaging the scalp a certain way, kissing a certain spot under the neck, rubbing an ear just so, etc. It should be noted that this strategy rarely if ever involves touch of a sexual nature.

In order to tell if your partner is Kinesthetic, your partner will say “I get a feeling for it or I know how your feel.”

Kinesthetic people have the same issue as Visuals - sometimes you just need to get together in person for a ‘recharge’ since Kinesthetics people give and receive love through touch – so when comfortably possible for your lifestyle and/or career get together with your long-distance partner in person.

I saw a documentary where technology is being developed where one day you will be able to “touch” people via your computer by being hooked up to a bunch of sensors, but that won’t be for a while - so in the meantime you can exchange with your long-distance partner your belongings or clothes like a sweater or each other’s hats so you feel more “in touch” with each other. (This works from a “meaning” sense for Digital people and a “visual” sense” for Visual people as well).

For more information on Communication Modes in general as well as how to test for both yourself and your partner’s Communication Modes check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com

O.k. this post was a little long but hopefully it was worth it for you to take the time out to read.

Don’t worry Part 4 on “Do You Have A Support System?” is a lot shorter - so “see”, “talk”, “get on the same page” or “get in touch with you” in our next post.

Warm Regards

Melody Chase

Centre For Life Management

http://www.trueloveondemand.com

http://www.lovebydesignbook.com

http://www.counsellorinabox.com

http://www.drrobbyonline.com

Email: relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

(204) 475-0323

Real-life, Practical, Proven Solutions, Support and Resources To Help You Create The Relationship of Your Dreams!

Plus ...

Want to Save Your Marriage Or Relationship?
Get Your FREE Video Tutorials, Reports and
Templates to Get an Ex Back Today!
http://www.counsellorinabox.com/FreeVideos.html

2009-05-17T19:50:00.000-07:00

Making A Long Distance Relationship Work – Part 2

In Part 1 of our 5 part series on "How To Make Your Long Distance Relationship Work" we talked about "What Does a Long-Distance Relationship Mean To Both of You?

Now for Part 2 let's discuss the topic of "Are all your needs being met in the relationship?"

2) Are All Your Needs Being Met In The Relationship?

In our Love by Design book (http://wwwlovebydesignbook.com) and our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program (http://www.counsellorinabox.com) we talk about values. Values can be described as something that is important to you. It is something that you are willing to focus on and put attention and time into in order to maintain.

Our ideas and beliefs about the relative worth of things in our lives are called values. They are not facts, but choices we have made as we matured. When our actions match our values, we experience emotional balance. When they don’t match, we feel frustrated and experience emotional imbalance.

Our values play an integral part in determining the compatibility and success of our relationships. Values are the glue that holds people together. Lack of compatible values can be the undoing of a relationship.

So for example, if both you and the partner you are having a long distance relationship with have “business” or “work-centred” values (which means both of you will put your energy and focus first and foremost into your work or careers over any other value), then both of you will be happy and fulfilled having a long-distance relationship since what you value most is independent of each other and does not interfere, take away from or need to be attended to in your relationship.

As well if you are “friendship-centred” meaning your friends come front and centre and it is what you focus on the majority of the time then this works well because not only is there no powerstruggles going on (having to split time between your partner and your friends) you also have a built-in support system for the times when you are lonely and missing your partner and/or need people to talk to about your long-distance relationship.

However, if one or both you and your partner are “relationship-centred” which means being in a relationship with each other is where you focus your energy and attention on over all other values and you crave being together one-on-one every day first and foremost over all other values - you may find a long-distance relationship unfulfilling because it is impossible to spend a great deal of time together.

Another example of how unfulfilled values can cause deficiency and toxicity in your relationship is that if you or the person you are having an exclusive long-distance relationship with has a high sex drive and sex is a high value. (which is just as an important value as any other and is often a hidden powerstruggle in relationships because the couple does not acknowledge the importance of sex in their relationship for one or both partners).

If you are in an exclusive long-distance relationship and you or your partner have a high sex drive and sex is a high value and/or if one or both of you are relationship-centred the reality of the situation is that the two of you have to work trips into your schedule so you can physically get together whenever possible.

Then in the meantime between visits, the both of you have to come up with some creative ideas to keep the passion, spark and sense of connection flowing in the relationship.

In Part 3 of our series we have a bunch of suggestions on how to keep the connection, passion and communication going for those stretches between physical visits by tapping into your Communication Modes or Love Strategies so make sure to come back to read Part 3 " Do Both Of Your Feel Loved?

Warm Regards

Real-life, Practical, Proven Solutions, Support and Resources To Help You Create The Relationship of Your Dreams!

2009-05-03T17:33:00.000-07:00

Making a Long Distance Relationship Work -
Part 1

A few years ago I wrote an article about Long Distance Romances and/or Relationships in regards to whether this type of relationship is highest and best for you in our Love By Design Ezine.

However recently I have realized by reviewing comments and emails for readers and clients that many people are more interested in How To Make Their Long Distance Romance and/or Relationship Work.

So just like I mentioned in the original Long Distance Relationship Article in order to have a healthy, long-distance relationship, both partners need to be on the same page and both of you need to have your needs met otherwise there may be toxicities or deficiencies in the relationship caused by hidden powerstruggles, unfulfilled expectations and/or needs not being met.

So I have developed the following 5 part series to discuss the main areas that need to be met in any relationship let alone a long distance romance since all relationships are a mutual fulfillment of needs.

For this series we will be covering the following topics or areas:

1) What Does a Long-Distance Relationship Mean To Both Of You?

2) Are Yours and Your Partner’s Values Being Met?

3) Do Both Of Your Feel Loved?

4) Do Your Both Have Support Systems?

5) Are You Both Interested In Learning Relationship Mastery or Relationship Success Skills?

For Part 1 Let’s Discuss What Does a Long-Distance Relationship Mean To Both of You?

Part 1 - What Does a Long-Distance Relationship Mean To Both of You?

The following questions are designed to open communication with your partner as well as yourself to find out if you are both on the same page.

What does a long-distance relationship mean to you?
What does a long-distance relationship mean to your partner?
Does it mean that you will always have a long-distance relationship with this partner?
Do you expect to get together with this partner ending the long distance part eventually, if so when? Does you your partner share the same time-line?
Are you at the same commitment level? For example, are you still allowed to date other people or are you not allowed to date anyone else? Is your partner allowed to date other people?
Are the two of you at the same life transition point as well as lifetime line? For example do you want to get married to your partner eventually? Does your partner want to get married to you eventually? Do you want to have a family with your partner at some point and if so when? Does your partner want to have a family with you and if so when?

Understanding where you are at as far as commitment is important enough on its own in a relationship, but it is just as important to know where the two of you are at as a whole in your long-distance relationship.

If the questions above are not clear between you and your partner, it will inevitably cause powerstruggles and unfulfilled expectations as well as a sense of longing, questioning and doubt which can create deficiencies and toxicities (especially in the area of emotions) in your relationship which is not a good way to build the foundation of your relationship especially when you are trying to create positive upstate associations with each other and create a base to expand as well as maintain your love and attraction for one another from.

In Part 2 we will be discussing Whether Yours and Your Partner’s Values Are Being Met.

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

If you are looking for more suggestions on how to have a Successful Long-Distance Relationship – check-out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at www.counsellorinabox.com where we provide you with real-life, practical, proven solutions, support and resources to help you create the relationship of your dreams.

2009-04-15T17:47:00.000-07:00

How To Stop Being Enmeshed With Your Ex- Partner – Part 4

Welcome to Part 4 of our 4 Part Series on “How To Stop Being Enmeshed With Your Ex-Partner.

In Part 3 we talked about the Importance of “Seeking Support Elsewhere”

For our Last entry of our Series let’s examine the importance of “Reminding Yourself That It Is An Abundant World.

4) Remind Yourself That It is an Abundant World:

Just as we mentioned under the last heading and as we explain in our Love By Design Book (http://www.lovebydesignbook.com) there is an abundance of people who can support you as well there is an abundance of people who would love you unconditionally and give you all your needs, wants and requirements in life – effortlessly and authentically – there is over 6 billion people in the world – why hold on to your ex-partner and get a fraction of your needs met when you can let your ex-partner go completely and get your needs met 100% and be in a full partnership with someone.

You may already be with someone and not realize that your new partner is here for you or there may be a new person waiting in the wings for you to release you ex-partner for good at an emotional, physical, intellectual and energetic level.

In any case if you find yourself in a similar situation as Paul and Danielle where one or both of you do not want to get back together and the reality is that your lives are going to cross paths for ongoing reasons such as sharing custody with the children, working at the same company (and a transfer or change of occupation isn’t possible at this time) or having relatives who are married or connected to your ex-partner’s family as examples – doing what you can to ensure that you are no longer enmeshed and remain that way is in yours and in everyone’s best interest.

If you have any questions, you can email us at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Is He or She Your Destiny?

If You Are Looking For a Proven System to Help You Decide Whether You Should Stay or Go In Your Relationship Check-out our Love By Design Program Now at http://www.lovebydesignbook.com

2009-04-01T18:12:00.000-07:00

How To Stop Being Enmeshed With Your Ex- Partner – Part 3

Welcome to Part 3 of our 4 Part Series on “How To Stop Being Enmeshed With Your Ex-Partner.

In Part 2 we discussed suggestion #2 about Creating Boundaries. Now for Part 3 let’s discuss “Seeking Support Elsewhere”

3) Seek Support Elsewhere:

It’s time to find support elsewhere – it is abundant world full of people willing to give you support whether that is family, friends, support groups for women, men, divorced people, parenting, grief counselling and don’t forget internet forums - it is amazing how many outstanding and professional relationship, parenting and dating forums that are out there who can help you and provide support who have been through and is going through what you are going through. An example of an excellent Relationship Website Forum that covers a multitude of Relationship Topics is LoveShack.Org Interpersonal Relationship Centre at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/

We understand that part of the hesitation is that you may never find someone who feels as natural as your ex-partner when it comes to support but a lot of that is really because of the safe feeling of familiarity of simply interacting with your ex-partner for so long and from the bonding experience of experiencing crisis situations with your partner.

Now is the chance to develop new healthy relationships based on familiarity and bonding created from unconditional love, support and healing instead of crisis.

As well, you will never lose the experiences good or bad that you had with your ex-partner, you were witnesses to each others traumas and came to each other’s rescue - be appreciative of that - even tell your partner that you appreciate everything that he or she has done for you and say thank-you but it is time for both of you to carry on and find new supportive systems. – especially if your ex-partner or yourself is in a new relationship.

In Part 4 of our 4 Part Series we will be discussing the importance Reminding Yourself That It Is An Abundant World.

If you have any questions, you can email us at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Is He or She Your Destiny?

If You Are Looking For a Proven System to Help You Decide Whether You Should Stay or Go In Your Relationship? Check-out our Love By Design Program Now at http://www.lovebydesignbook.com

2009-03-14T16:03:00.000-07:00

How To Stop Being Enmeshed With Your Ex-Partner – Part 2

Welcome to Part 2 of our 4 Part Series on ‘How To Stop Being Enmeshed With Your Ex-Partner’

In Part 1 of our Series we gave the example of Paul and Danielle who were divorced but were still enmeshed with each others in many ways and areas of their life.

We then introduced four suggestions of how to cut ties with one’s ex-partner and went into more detail about suggestion #1 about Having a “Letting Go Ceremony”

Now for Part 2 let’s discuss “Creating Boundaries.”

2) Create Boundaries:

Boundaries don’t have to be complicated – sometimes it is as simple as making a commitment to have boundaries with your ex.

My favorite quote about commitment came from the side of my Starbucks Coffee Cup one day from the Starbucks “The Way I See It” Series #76 by a Starbucks Customers named Anne Morris. It goes as follows:

“The irony of commitment is that it’s deeply liberating—in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.”

So if you commit to having boundaries - emotional, physical, intellectual and energetic boundaries with your ex-partner you will be surprised as to how much easier it will be to maintain and hold fast your stand.

In Part 3 we discuss Suggestion #3 about “Seeking Support Elsewhere”

If you have any questions you can email us at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Is He or She Your Destiny?

If You Are Looking For a Proven System to Help You Decide Whether You Should Stay or Go In Your Relationship? Check-out our Love By Design Program Now at
http://www.lovebydesignbook.com

2009-02-28T21:22:00.000-08:00

How To Stop Being Enmeshed With Your Ex- Partner - Part 1

At our LMC Relationship Centre we had a question from a man (who we will call Paul for the purposes of our article) who was in a really difficult and sticky relationship situation.

Paul had divorced his wife (who we will call Danielle) and his wife Danielle was in a new relationship.

However, Paul and Danielle were still enmeshed with each other because of several factors including:

That they share custody of their children.
They were used of being each other’s support system during crisis situations and both of them were having a period of crisis with relatives so they were naturally still drawn to support each other.
They still had romantic and/or sexual chemistry together.

The enmeshment causing factors wasn’t bothering Danielle because she was in another relationship but this was driving Paul crazy especially knowing the Danielle was with someone else.

Paul didn't know how to sever ties with Danielle - he had to share the children and was so used to being there for Danielle and Danielle’s family that Paul couldn't fathom not supporting Danielle emotionally anymore and no longer receiving emotional support from Danielle as well.

Paul was afraid it was only a matter of time before he was going to give in and want to be in a relationship with Danielle again or worse yet end up having an affair with Danielle.

So whether you are in a situation like Paul or Danielle and especially when there are other people involved like children and new partners, it is only fair to everyone involved to learn ways on how to break the enmeshment and create new, healthy boundaries.

So we have developed some practical suggestions on how to create boundaries which include:

1) Having a Letting Go Ceremony

2) Creating Boundaries

3) Seeking Support Elsewhere

4) Reminding Yourself It Is An Abundant World

I have split this article into a 4 Part Series so we can go over in more detail each of the suggestions above.

For Part 1 of our Series let’s go over ‘Having a Letting Go Ceremony'.

1) Having A Letting Go Ceremony:

In another article I wrote I talked about the importance of being able to let go of your ex-partner and offered some exercises that can help symbolically cut the ties emotionally, physically, intellectually and even energically between you and your ex-partner. These same exercises can be applied here in the case of mutual enmeshment. It may sound simplistic but do not underestimate the power of putting on a production- this is why all cultures have symbolic ceremonies such as weddings, funerals and graduations to name a few.

So some creative ways to have a “Letting Go Ceremony” in order to symbolically let your relationship go would be writing a good-bye letter. A letter is also a good way to get anything that is unresolved about the relationship that you need to get off your chest.

If it doesn't feel right to give the letter to you ex-partner, you can always burn it or bury it like Ugly Betty did with her ex-boyfriend Henry's things that they shared together at the beginning of the T.V. Series Ugly Betty Season Two. You can take anything that represents your relationship to symbolically dispose of as well.

In Part 2 of our 4 Part Series we will be discussing the importance of creating boundaries.

If you have any questions, you can email us at relationshipcentre@shaw.ca

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Is He or She Your Destiny?

If You Are Looking For a Proven System to Help You Decide Whether You Should Stay or Go In Your Relationship? Check-out our Love By Design Program Now at http://www.lovebydesignbook.com

2009-02-13T20:37:00.000-08:00

Do You Know How To Tell If Your Partner Is Into You?

Dr. Robby (Director of the Centre For Life Mamagement ) recently did a short radio interview with Winnipeg Radio Personality Laurie Lancaster about the Movie “He’s Just Not That Into You.” (Produced by Flower Films 2008, Directed by Ken Kwapis, Written by Abby Kohn & Marc Silverstein)

Although Dr. Robby and I have not seen the movie yet, Dr. Robby did explain that not recognizing that the person you are seeing is into you is not only a female thing but a male thing as well.

I recently was answering a reader’s question from the Counsellor in a Box Ask The Wizard Series and Blog (http://www.counsellorinabox.com ) about how to tell whether someone truly loves you and how to get your partner to admit to that you that he/she loves you.

In my answer I explained that many people may think that the only way to say that they love someone is to actually say “I love You” but everyone has their own way of expressing or showing how they love someone, plus the way how each partner says or shows love to each others may be interpreted differently by each partner.

So in order to truly find out if your partner loves you or to make sure you are not missing your partner’s attempts of expressing that he or she loves you is to learn about what we call Communication Modes.

It is through studying Communication Modes that you can also find out whether the person you are seeing or dating is in to you or not with or without verbal confirmation.

So for this article I’m going to give a brief description of the four types of Communication Modes, how people can give indications as to whether they are in to you through their Communication Modes and then some tips as to how to spot whether your partner or the person you are dating is into you or not using the Communication Modes as a guide.

The following is a quote from Dr. Robby from our Counsellor in a Box (http://www.counsellorinabox.com ) Mini-book about Communication Modes:

“Communication is the result you get. Different people are on different channels. We learn, we express love and communicate through different channels or modality love strategies (modes for short) or combinations of modes.”

“It is important to know who you are playing with and what channel they are playing on, or else your communication will not be very effective.”

So not only is an understanding of communication modes or love strategies a basic skill for relationship success it is also important in order to help you determine whether your partner is expressing love for you or in the early stages of a new relationship whether your partner is in to you or not.

In the paragraph above, I mentioned Love Strategies - there is an article by Bob Scheinfeld about Love Strategies that he had learned from Tony Robbin’s “Three Days to Unlimited Power Program.” In Bob Scheinfeld’s article, he explains how a person in each communication mode would like to be loved.

Bob Scheinfeld has an explanation for Visual, Auditory and Kinesthetic people; however, he has left out the Digitals, so we have added some information on Digitals to his explanation.

There are 4 main Communication Modes and a person can be a blend of 1, 2, 3 or all 4 and some Communication Modes may be stronger than others.

Visual Communication Mode: Visual people communicate by seeing and doing. They like activities and they like gifts. They notice people, places and things with just the slightest glance. They feel and share love by doing things with or for other people. They take things at face value and do not look deeper into things. They learn by seeing and doing.

If you partner is Visual, he or she may think you are as well and will be showing you love or that he or she is into you by doing any of the love strategies above for you.

Has your partner being doing any of the above strategies with or for you?

Auditory Communication Mode: Auditory people communicate through talking. They have the natural gift of the gab and are designed to be able to talk for long periods of time. They enjoy talking and listening to other people talk. They feel loved when they are talked to, and like to hear the words “I love you”. They learn by hearing.

Depending how far into your relationship you are, it may be too early for your partner to actually say “I Love You” however does he/she seek out conversation with you and always loves to chat with you? He/she may be not emotionally comfortable yet or it may be too early into the relationship to actually tell you that he/she loves you, but he may be trying to express that he/she is into you in a round about way by wanting to talk with you all the time.

Does your partner want to talk with you all the time?

Kinesthetic Communication Mode: Kinesthetic people communicate through their bodies. They move, feel and express through their bodies and love doing physical activities. Kinesthetics love to touch and are very touchy-feely. They feel loved when they are touched.

They learn through touch and through experience. People with the Kinesthetic love strategy need to be touched in certain ways or in certain places to feel totally and completely loved. It might be massaging the scalp a certain way, kissing a certain spot under the neck, rubbing an ear just so, etc. It should be noted that this strategy rarely if ever involves touch of a sexual nature.

If your partners loves you or is in to you he/she will want to touch you and be touching you all the time but not in a sexual way, he/she may want to hold hands, snuggle close, touch you face or your hair all the time, in a natural comforting way.

Does your partner want to touch you all the time?

Digital Communication Mode: Digital people communicate through connection and understanding. They find the deeper meaning in everything they think, see and do. Understanding is very important to them. They feel loved when they share connections with others and are understood. They learn by understanding.

Digitals seek to understand and to be understood in order to feel loved. They would like to connect with their partner at an emotional, intellectual and spiritual level.

If your partner is Digital and loves you or is in to you he/she will want to connect with you all the time, he/she will want to understand you and seek to understand you.

Does your partner want to connect with you and understand you?

So our article may not be as entertaining as the “He’s Just Not That Into You Movie” however the more information you have the more aware you can be as to what is truly going on in your relationship,

For more information on Communication Modes, especially on how to find out what yours and your partner’s communication modes are - check-out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Plus

Are You Looking For The Perfect Gift For Your Partner On Valentine’s Day? Check-out my favorite Valentine’s article from our past Valentine’s Day called “The Art of Gift-Giving: How To Give Your Partner The Perfect Gift For Valentine's Day” at http://lovebydesignbook.blogspot.com/2008_02_01_archive.html

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Melody Chase

2009-01-14T16:44:00.000-08:00

How To Tell If Your Partner Will Cheat – Top 5 Signs That Your Partner Is The Cheating Kind.

Are you in a new relationship and not sure whether you can trust your partner or are you already in a relationship and your guts are telling you to keep a close watch on your partner?

As far as you can tell, your partner is not the type who would cheat, but you wonder how you can tell for sure if he/she has the potential within him/her to have an affair?

The good news is that there are some common traits to look out for when you are getting into a new relationship or when you are beginning to have doubts about the partner you are already in a serious relationship with.

The following are the Top 5 Signs That Your Partner is the Cheating Kind:

1) Character Disordered

Simply put, a person who lacks character is Character Disordered. Some people have been taught that this is how to get their way in life; others are Character Disordered simply because they can get away with it. Why they are the way they are doesn’t really matter here – what matters is that if your partner thinks he/she can get away with whatever he/she wants and is not interested in the welfare of others or the cause and effect of his/her behavior and decisions then there is nothing stopping your partner from cheating. Simple ways to tell if your partner is character disordered is that you will often hear your partner lying to other people or you catch him/her cheating when playing boardgames and he/she doesn’t appear to be sorry for what he/she is doing but rather proud and up for the challenge.

2) Super Pain Avoidant

Most people are either Pain Avoidant meaning their focus in life is to move away from pain or people are Pleasure Centred which means their focus in life is to move towards pleasure or are moved by pleasure. However people who Super Pain Avoidant or who cannot stand pain or conflict of any sort are prime candidates for cheating because they are to afraid to ask for what they want or communicate their needs. If Super Pain Avoiders are in enough pain from not getting their needs met over time they would rather risk the chance and have an affair then to risk the conflict of confronting or talking it out with their partners. It doesn’t sound like such a bright idea because of the potential of much greater and more intense conflict if they are caught, but Super Pain Avoiders are just interested in avoiding pain in the moment and the near future over all things including logic or examining the big picture of things. The way to recognize Super Pain Avoidance people are that they will avoid discussions at all costs, rarely tell the truth about what their requirements, needs, wants etc are and are extremely sensitive to conflict to a point where they will cringe or even run away in an uncomfortable situation.

3) Super Pleasure Centred

A Super Pleasure Centred person’s main focus is pleasure - like an addiction, pleasure comes first other people and their feelings come second. So if Super Pleasure Centred people see someone who is more pleasurable than their current partner in whichever way pleasurable means to them, they are going to be moved to seek out the more pleasurable person. It is not even anything personal - they are just being moved by their desire for pleasure. The way to recognize a Super Pleasure Centred person is that pleasure is all consuming in their life. A healthy person seeks out self-love which in turn creates pleasurable situations for themselves, but a Super Pleasure Centred person will feel to you like they are unbalanced and seeking pleasure unconsciously and in an overindulgent way.

4) Doesn’t Take Responsibility For Themselves

The problem with people who don’t take responsibility for themselves is that they have a tendency to blame others and feel unjustly wronged, resentful and revengeful towards others who are not giving them what they want in the way they want it which primes them towards having affairs with little reservation and a whole lot of justification for having the affair. For example “It’s my partner’s fault, if she didn’t hold back from giving me what I needed I wouldn’t have gone to another woman.” A tell-tale sign of a person who doesn’t take responsibility for themselves is that they will often be heard complaining and blaming everyone else in their life for what happens or doesn’t happen to them in their life.

5) Have Cheated in the Past

In an another article I wrote, I explained how if your partner has had an affair in the past whether it is with you or someone else, this is sign of the potential of your partner cheating again in the future. Yes, many people may cheat once and vow to never do it again and they don’t. However, for others especially the people who say that they would never have an affair in the first place, the fact that they were able to give in to the affair indicates that there is a point where they give in and if the temptation was strong enough to get them over the hump to cheat the first time around what is stopping them from an even stronger temptation to cheat once again?

Knowledge gives you the power to decide what to do in your relationship and even if your partner has the potential to cheat and hasn’t acted out on it, all of the above traits are issues that need to be addressed and/or resolved in order to have a healthy, functional relationship that will grow and expand for the rest of your lives.

There are always solutions and answers –gifts in disguise - for a happy relationship when issues are opened up to the light of knowledge and understanding of yours and your partner’s reality.

Melody Chase

Issues that have been discussed above are addressed in our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program and as you may know by now we have our Official Launch Date for our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program which is Jan 18^th 2009!

So if you are looking for more suggestions on how to heal, repair and rebuild your relationship, we encourage you to look into our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at www.counsellorinabox.com where we provide you with real-life, practical, proven solutions, support and resources to help you save your relationship.

2008-12-30T17:23:00.000-08:00

Announcing Counsellor in a Box Official Launch Date!

We have an Official Launch Date for our Counsellor In a Box Relationship Home Study Program which is Jan 18th 2009!

We will send you a reminder as we get closer to the launch date.

As a review, the Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program is for you if:

You are in a committed relationship and are looking for advice and tools to improve or strengthen your relationship and/or rekindle the spark in your relationship.
If you or your partner have cheated and you are looking for ways to repair your relationship.
You are looking for ways to get your lover back and keep him or her forever.

For More Information Check-out Our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Program Website at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

Happy New Year!

2008-11-30T17:58:00.000-08:00

How To Get Over Being Cheated On

By Melody Chase

I have noticed that in many of my articles related to cheating and being cheated on, that the feedback from the readers’ comments are that one of the hardest parts about being cheated on is about the reader wanting to take his/her unfaithful partner back but the reader can’t because he/she just can’t get over what the unfaithful partner has done.

If this sounds like you, you probably already know that the reality is there are no easy solutions, but the following are three suggestions that may help you in your healing process:

1) Talk To Someone Who Knows How To Listen and Empathize With Your Feelings and What You Have Gone Through:

You have your friends who rally around you calling your unfaithful partner every negative name they can think of, you have your friends who will take you out so you will have fun and you have the friends who will sit silently with you or hug you while your cry (or “hug it out” for the guys) but you also need to find someone (a friend, family member or support counsellor) who can listen, validate and empathize with both your feelings and what you have been through in order to heal unresolved emotions.

It is the unresolved emotions of sadness, loss, resentment and betrayal that will keep you stuck in pain and in an unforgiving state.

2) Give Yourself Permission To Take The Time To Heal

Your unfaithful partner knows you are angry and untrusting right now, but if you are thinking about getting back together with your partner, you can not help but feel some pressure to move forward in your relationship even if your partner isn’t directly pressuring you.

The important thing is to stand your ground and take the time you need to heal and recover. If you get back together with your partner too soon or before you are ready any underlying resentment, anger, feelings of betrayal or loss of trust that hasn’t been healed is going to simmer underneath the surface instead of go away which does nothing but prolong your ability to heal what you have been through.

3) Appreciation Exercise:

If you and your unfaithful partner are thinking about getting back together but you cannot even look your partner in the face let alone in the eyes without re-living all the feelings of betrayal, anger and loss, then I would recommend doing the following Appreciation Exercise.

On a piece of paper write down 10 things that you appreciate about your partner, then read it back to yourself or even to your partner. Read the list often and add more to the list if you can think of anything else that you appreciate about your partner as you go along.

This exercise is designed to remind you of what originally attracted you to or kept you attracted to your partner before he or she cheated. This exercise also helps to impress you with positive associations of your partner to help override the negative associations when you see your partner in the present moment.

With the support from family and friends, taking one day at a time as well as following the suggestions above, you will be able to fully embrace your partner with love and trust once again.

If you are looking for more suggestions on how to heal, repair and rebuild your relationship, we encourage you to look into our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at www.counsellorinabox.com where we provide you with real-life, practical, proven solutions, support and resources to help you save your relationship.

2008-10-02T00:05:00.000-07:00

Is Your Partner Cheating On You? 14 Signs To Determine Whether Your Partner is Having An Affair - Part 2

In Part 1 we covered the first 7 out of 14 signs to determine whether your partner is having an affair. Now in Part two we will cover the next 7 signs.

8) Your Partner's Explanations Of Where He/She Has Been Isn't Making Sense:

An example would be if your partner says he/she stopped off for a big grocery shop on the way home from work and that is why he/she is so late, yet your partner only came home with a few items.

9) Your Partner is Using More Gas and Mileage On Their Vehicle:

If your partner has the same routine everyday but there is a lot more miles on the speedometer and more gas being used up this is often a tell-tale sign of an affair.

10) Your Partner's Friends Don't See Your Partner As Often:

Your partner's friends don't know where your partner is most of the time or has not seen or got together with him or her as often anymore.

11) Spending Extra Time In Communications With Their Co-worker or Assistant:

This may be a sign if your partner has a business partner, co-worker or assistant, and your partner is having longer than normal conversations and are having more frequent communications whether that is in person, by phone, text or email etc with this person from work.

12) Your Partner Has a Business Partner, Co-worker or Assistant That They Talk About More Often or Never Mentioned Before:

Another sign is that if your partner has a business partner, co-worker, assistant or even a friend who your partner suddenly can't stop talking about or on the other end of the spectrum, your partner may have a new person at work that he/she works closely with and your partner never mentioned him or her to you before.

13) Your Partner's Sex Routine Has Changed:

Your partner is either too tired to have sex a lot more than usual or has sudden spontaneous urges to have more passionate than normal sex with you. Often your partner may go back and forth between being too tired and spontaneous as well.

14) Changes in Clothes or Appearance of Clothes:

No one wants to be paranoid but if you do have your suspicions that your partner is cheating, start paying attention to the little details of their clothes, for such things as markings or smells, or are they changing a lot or taking a lot of showers more than usual. Also look out for the subtle things like certain clothing items disappearing, or you find a pair of socks you never seen before or things like your partner keeps forgetting to put his/her wedding ring/band back on after your partner has taken it off.

Without a confession from your partner, getting directly caught in the act or hiring a private investigator, figuring out or getting a conformation of whether your partner is cheating or not is no easy task, but with as much information, knowledge and observation on your side, it will help in your final decision as to what to do.

Melody Chase

Have you reconized any of the signs of cheating in your partner? Are you looking for a way to prevent your partner from having an affair? Check out our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Program at www.counsellorinabox.com - everything you need to know to repair your relationship and create a passion filled relationship that you have always dreamed of - right at your fingertips.

2008-09-15T23:50:00.000-07:00

Is Your Partner Cheating on You? 14 Signs To Determine Whether Your Partner is Having An Affair - Part 1

By Melody Chase

You have a feeling in your guts telling you that your partner is cheating, you are not sure what to do about it, do you hire a private investigator or confront your partner about it?

The feeling isn't going away, but you know that if you do try and confront your partner on it and you are wrong it will cause trust issues in your relationship.

In Part 1 we will cover the first 7 of 14 signs that you can observe to see whether your partner may be cheating so that as you gather evidence, it will help you in your final decision as to whether to discuss with your partner whether he or she cheating or not.

1) Your Partner Changes His/Her Appearance:

Changes in your partner's appearance may be a sign that your partner is cheating such as dressing nicer or in a way that makes him/her look more attractive than usual or if your partner starts doing things to make his or herself look better like losing weight, working-out or working out more or if he/she changes his/her hairstyle/and or hair color. (This is always the #1 sign for women who are having an affair.)

2) Your Partner Has a Healthy and Exuberant Glow To Him/Her:

Does your partner have a healthy and exuberant glow both in his or her face and in his/her aura or energy? In fact, if your partner looks similar to how he/she looked and felt when the two of you first met and started going together is also a sign that your partner may be cheating.

3) Your Partner Seems Distant or Far-Away:

Does your partner seem distant or far away like he/she has emotionally, energetically and physically disconnected from you? (This is usually the #1 sign that your partner has found someone). This distance is probably because your partner is either totally into the person he/she is having the affair with or is thinking about him/her and imagining being with him or her all the time. Disconnecting from you may also mean that your partner has found what he/she is looking for in the other person so your partner has released his/her efforts from trying to get it from you.

4) Your Partner is No Longer Fighting With You:

This may be a sign if your partner is suddenly no longer fighting or arguing with you or if your relationship is past the point of fighting (numbed out, shutdown or if your partner has already written you off before) you will no longer feel the intensity and frustration radiating underneath the surface in regards to issues that used to bother your partner.

5) Your Partner Seems Happy and Content:

It may be a signif your partner seems more happy and content than usual and he/she is not complaining about anything.

6) Your Partner Takes Up New Hobbies, Interests or Sporting Activities:

Your partner takes up new hobbies, interests or sporting activities but to your surprise he/she doesn't tell you about it.

7) Your Partner's Account of His/Her Day Is Either Overly Detailed or Really Vague:

Your partner's explanation of his/her day has changed by either becoming very calculated and detailed or very vague and he/she will change topics very quickly.

In Part 2 we will be covering the next 7 signs to determine whether your partner is cheating or not.

Have you reconized any of the signs of cheating in your partner? Are you looking for a way to prevent your partner from having an affair? Check out our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Program at www.counsellorinbox.com - everything you need to know to repair your relationship and create a passion filled relationship that you have always dreamed of - right at your fingertips.

2008-09-01T00:35:00.000-07:00

Is Your Partner a Male Diva? Part Seven

Welcome to Part Seven or our Grande Finale of our Male Diva Series. In our last post we talked about the importance of having fun and creating an environment of fun for your Expressive Male. For our last part of our series, let’s discuss…

7) Knowing The Difference Between Disagreement and Disapproval:

Knowing the difference between disagreement and disapproval is so important to an Expressive, that I am just going to get Dr. Robby ( Director of the LMC Relationship Centre) to explain. The following is an excerpt from our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Program (http://www.counsellorinabox.com/)

Dr. Robby has the following to say about disapproval:

“Disagreement occurs on the mental or rational level. You may disagree with your partner’s choice of a tie. Or you may disagree with him being too tiredto go out after work.”

“Disapproval, on the other hand, occurs on the emotional level. Disagreement turns into disapproval when you start to withdraw emotionally from your partner.”

“Disapproval implies: ‘You did something I disagree with therefore, I can’t love you as much as before - so I am pulling away now.’ You disagree with your partner’s choice of a tie and then disapprove of him for making that choice and you turn off your love for him. It’s your disapproval of others that turns simple disagreements into big issues.”

“You can notice yourself changing from a disagreeing lover (healthy) to a disapproving lover (not healthy) when you catch yourself assigning negative qualities to your partner’s character: He is tacky, he lacks class, he is inconsiderate, he is overemotional, he is not understanding. When you move from evaluating the problem to evaluating the person, you are disapproving and not just disagreeing.”

“In successful relationships people accept one another. They do not necessarily agree with one another, but they have an acceptance, understanding and forgiveness.”

“Disapproval is based on criticism and judgment. Conditional love is based on approval. Unconditional love is based on acceptance.”

The major cause of conflict between two people is a lack of strong, positive emotional connection. So my (Dr. Robby’s) formula for dealing with conflict is:

1. Put the issue aside.

2. Reestablish your connection with your partner by dissolving the emotional tension.

3. Then go back to deal with the issue.

And of course keep in mind that you are in disagreement with your partner’s behavior or opinion – not your partner as a person. Keeping this last point in mind helps you from sliding over from Disagreement to Disapproval.

I have presented to you a lot of information to take in, so take your time and even just concentrate on one point or way at a time until you get used to it and then work on the next one. It will be worth it because you will see how happy and appreciative your Expressive partner will become.

Wishing You Fun, Freedom and Love,

Melody Chase

Are you in a committed relationship and are looking for communication tools so you can have that happy and harmonious relationship you have always envisioned? Check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

2008-08-15T19:26:00.000-07:00

Is Your Partner a Male Diva? Part Six

Welcome to Part Six of our Male Diva Series. In our last post we talked about the importance of being your Male Diva’s #1 Cheerleader. Now for Part Six which is…

6) Have Fun – Create An Environment Of Fun: Expressives, (including Expressive males) middle name in “Fun”. They live and breathe for fun and it is one of their top values. So why not make the activities of daily life – fun?

For example - pealing potatoes? Make it fun, have the Potato Olympics where every time your partner peels potatoes, “time it” to see how long he takes (if there is skin still left on the potatoes, that’s o.k., it’s healthy for you.) Then the next time he peels, see if he beat his own personal time.

Cleaning? Put on his favorite music.

Got a cell phone? For no reason whatsoever just phone home while your still at home and get him to answer just to say “Hi”. In fact, just randomly call and say you miss him while you are out.

Watching T.V together? (Even if this normally bugs you) start commenting on the characters like you know them because Expressives just love people even people they don’t know.

There is no reason why we can’t be productive and have fun at the same time – in fact I have feeling that more productivity can be accomplished when people are having fun because everyone is more relaxed and more in the moment and aware of their surroundings.

For years, when I worked at a Marketing Research Firm, we were not allowed to do anything between phone-calls, not even doodle. One year the firm tried out a trial run where we were allowed to draw and read, do puzzles or write between calls and our productivity soared. Needless to say, we were allowed to do what we like between calls permanently after the trial was over.

Come back again for our Grande Finale of our 7 Part Male Diva Series.

Wishing You Fun, Freedom and Love,

Melody Chase

Are you in a committed relationship and are looking for communication tools so you can have that happy and harmonious relationship you have always envisioned? Check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

2008-08-01T17:36:00.000-07:00

Is Your Partner a Male Diva? Part Five

Welcome to Part Five of our Male Diva Series. In our last post we talked about the importance of always empathizing with and validating your partner after your partner expresses how he feels. Now for Part Five which is…

5) Be Your Partner’s #1 Cheerleader in Public: Nothing devastates an Expressive more than being publicly humiliated – he just wants to be loved for who he is and he so definitely does not want to look bad in front of others.

So whatever you do don’t point out that his tie is crooked or there is BBQ sauce on his chin in front of others and don’t stand there with him in a group of mutual friends and start telling the funny story about how your partner stepped in a can of paint while painting the garage the other day. (This includes talking to your friends on the phone.)

Imagine that your partner is the President of the United States (o.k., even though right now you may be thinking – yeah right) and you are his Chief Press Secretary – your job is to raise him up and have people admire him for the wonderful person he is.

Come back again to find out what’s up for Part Six in our 7 Part Male Diva Series.

Wishing You Fun, Freedom and Love,

Melody Chase

Are you in a committed relationship and are looking for communication tools so you can have that happy and harmonious relationship you have always envisioned? Check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at http://w ww.counsellorinabox.com

2008-07-15T23:21:00.000-07:00

Is Your Partner a Male Diva? Part Four

Welcome to Part Four of our Male Diva Series. In our last post we talked about allowing your partner their freedom whenever possible. Now for Part Four which is…

4) Always Empathize With and Validate Your Partner After Your Partner Expresses How He Feels: This can be naturally difficult thing to do if you are what is called a “mismatcher”, (where you will mismatch anything anyone says) or if you are a High Analytical personality which means you are into logic and truth.

Just to explain why you may mismatch -it allows you to stall and think about whatever a person says before you agree to it - even if your partner says the sky is blue, and you know it is, you will say “No it’s not” because you do not want to be influenced and fed any information until you are ready.

However learning how to empathize with and validate others before responding to their comments will help you in your relationship with your partner as well as other relationships in your life.

No one wants to be told that their feelings and emotions are not true or to be invalidated and Expressives are no different, they are just more naturally sensitive towards being shutdown or invalidated because of the threat of looking bad and the threat of having their freedom taken away.

Different people have better memories than others, and others get more easily flustered depending on the situation, so I have included a “3 Step”, “2 Step” and “1 Step” option on how the empathize with and validate your partner.

3 Step

The first 2 parts of this 3 step option is from the book “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality” by J. Kreisman, M.D. and Hal Straus, (Published Avon Books, Feb 01, 1991).

Say the following:

1) I am very concerned about your feelings.
2) It must be horrible (or whatever description fits the situation) that you feel____ or that _____happened to you or I understand how you feel.
3) How can I support you or how can I help you to feel better?

This way your partner knows that you are concerned and you have acknowledged how he feels. You also put the solution to how he can feel better in his hands so it increases the chances of resolving what he needs.

2 Step

I actually got this step from the Movie “Woodcock” – A Fictional Comedy about a Published Self-Help Guru who wrote a book called “Letting Go” after being tormented by his gym teacher when he was a kid. The steps go as follows:

Step One: “I appreciate how you feel.”
Step Two: “I’m sorry you feel that way or I’m happy you feel this way etc.”

1 Step

The following are “one-liners” that you can use in a pinch:

“Yes, I understand how you would feel embarrassed.”
“Yes, I feel how embarrassing that would be for you.”
“Yes, I see how embarrassing that would be to you.”
“Yes, I hear you in regards to how embarrassing that you would be for you.”

Once you empathize and/or validate your partner, you can then share that you have a difference of opinion, but at least you allowed your partner his feelings and opinion 1st.

Come back to find out what’s up for Part Five in our 7 Part Male Diva Series.

Wishing You Fun, Freedom and Love,

Melody Chase

Are you in a committed relationship and are looking for communication tools so you can have that happy and harmonious relationship you have always envisioned? Check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com

2008-07-01T13:39:00.000-07:00

Is Your Partner a Male Diva? Part Three

By Melody Chase

Welcome to Part Three of our Male Diva Series. If your need to review about what a Male Expressive is all about, please read Part One of our Male Diva series, otherwise let’s just jump right in…

3) Allow Your Partner Their Freedom Whenever Possible: Expressives are all about freedom and if they are angry it is often a sign that they feel their freedom is being taking away.

So whenever possible, if you have a difference of opinion, (yes, even a difference of opinion is a way of taking someone’s freedom away) there are ways to approach your Expressive.

Plus, don’t forget to be nice if you have a difference of opinion - agreeing to disagree is very important in a relationship, but to prevent bursting an Expressive’s bubble when he has an idea, the following are two gentle ways of letting him know you have a difference of opinion:

The first is:

Say to your partner:

“I love you and I do not want to take your freedom away, so this is only an opinion, but I feel your black tie will go better with your blue suit then the neon green tie you are wearing.”

This way your partner knows you love him ( which is always a great way to start off a discussion), he knows that you know that freedom is important to him and you are not trying to take his freedom away plus you are owning your own feelings and opinions by saying “in my opinion” and “I feel”.

The second way is:

Say to your partner:

1) Your idea is fine.
2) I see that you are excited about your idea.
3) In truth, it wouldn’t work for me but it’s a great idea and I totally support you with what you think.

This way your partner feels totally good and supported about his idea, yet he knows that you have a difference of opinion. The communication is kept open and he will not feel offended.

Often what will happen too, is that your partner will then be curious about your opinion, instead of defensive, offended or discouraged.

Come back and visit us again for Part Four on our 7 Part Male Diva Series.

2008-06-18T21:05:00.000-07:00

Is Your Partner A Male Diva? Part Two

Welcome to Part Two of our Male Diva 7 Part Series.
Hi, it’s Melody.

Let’s jump right in and find out the second way on how you can give your Expressive Male Partner what he wants, in the way he wants it. If you need a review about what Male Expressives are all about, please read Part One of our Male Diva Series.

2) Start Every Conversation Off With Something Positive: Usually in most articles I suggest using the “Mary Kay Style” of approaching negative feedback with your partner, which is to say something positive - then something negative - then something positive.

For example “Thank you for volunteering to peel the potatoes, it really helps me out, I noticed that you are missing some of the spuds, so you may have to dig in a little deeper, however I’m so happy at how quickly you are getting through the whole bag.”

However, with some Expressives, especially if they are super sensitive of looking bad, (Looking bad to an Expressive is the equivalent to Kryptonite for Superman) keep the negative feedback to a minimum.

Prioritize only negative behaviours that are of the highest importance to you and just let the rest go and as I started off saying, no matter what- always start every conversation off with something positive.

I think I’ll have fun again and make Part Three of our Male Diva Series, yet another Cliffhanger.

Wishing You Fun, Freedom and Love,

Melody Chase

P.S. In case you may be wondering who the male is in the picture, it is the character Vincent Chase, from the HBO series “Entourage”. In the series, he plays a popular Hollywood actor and classic Male Expressive who keeps his entourage of best friends with him at all times who unconditionally love and support him for who he is.

2008-05-29T20:17:00.000-07:00

Is Your Partner A Male Diva? 7 Ways To Give Your Expressive Husband or Boyfriend What He Wants In The Way He Wants It – Part 1

It’s hard out there for an Expressive Male sometimes. An Expressive Personality Type is one of 4 main types of personalities that we use at our LMC Relationship Centre.

The following is just a brief explanation of the Expressive Personality Type, for an extensive understanding of Expressives or to learn about the rest of the personality types, check out our Counsellor in a Box Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com/

In a nutshell Expressive Personality Type People are emotionally based, love people, are dominant and friendly, love appreciation, approval, centre stage, are charming, humorous, fun, have excellent people skills and change their minds a lot

Every personality type has top values that they live by and that are requirements for them to feel happy, fulfilled and loved.

For an Expressive personality his/her top values are freedom, fun and to be loved for whom he/she is.

High Expressives or Pure Expressive people who are not combined with any of the other personality types may often come across as “Divas” especially to people who do not understand them and/or to people who are not giving Expressives what they want in the way that they want it.

Society as a whole know how to deal with Female Expressives because it is more common for women to be emotionally expressive and they are often allowed to be doted on and treated like a princess or a diva.

But what do you do if you are a Male Expressive? What do you do when the majority of society expects the male in the relationship to be the stable, logical, “strong as a rock partner” instead of the fun-loving, freedom and attention seeking, wearing their heart on their sleeve puppy dog Expressive Male?

Sure many people out there are seeking a more balanced male blend of both female and male qualities in a male partner, but the reality is Male Expressives were designed to be “Divas” with an entourage - surrounded by people who love and take care of them.

Powerstruggles often occur between the Male Expressive and his female partner and a shutdown of emotions caused by the anger, frustration, disappointment, and resentment, even depression on the part of the Male Expressive’s partner often occurs because the female partner’s vision of her Expressive male partner isn’t measuring up to her expectations of what “a traditional male partner” is suppose to be like.

The female partner may also have an unhappy, tantrum prone and often depressed Expressive Male partner on her hands who is reacting to not getting his needs met from her.

Chances are the Male Expressive is not getting his needs met because the female partner doesn’t understand him or doesn’t want to give him what he wants if she did know because she has no energy left because she is not getting her needs met from all the powerstruggles, deficiencies and toxicities going on in the relationship.

The solution, as we say at our LMC Relationship Centre is that any successful relationship is all about a mutual fulfilling of needs and giving your partner what he/she wants in the way he/she wants it.

If a mutual fulfilling of needs is not happening in your relationship, someone has the get the ball rolling or else the relationship will continue being nothing but powerstruggles and frustrated desires.

For this article, let’s explain how to give your Expressive Male want he wants in the way he wants it first, he is actually quite easy to please when you key in on how to do so.

This way, when at least one partner is getting their needs met it highly increases the process of negotiation and learning how to work with each other’s incompatibilities, because one partner will no longer be fighting tooth and nail for what they want and will be open to helping the other partner because they will be relieved and appreciate finally getting some of their needs met in the relationship.

Due to the length of this topic, I’ve decided to make this article into a 7 part series, so for today, here is way #1):

1) I’m So Happy/ You Are My Hero: Males in a relationship want to be the hero and want to make their partner happy.

Expressive Males especially need to feel this order to feel good about themselves and to feel loved by their partner.

This is because often the Male Expressive does not get complimented for doing things that other “traditional males do” because they do not normally do those things or those things do not come naturally to them, so it is more of a struggle for them where as it is something that is second nature or taken for granted by “a traditional male”. This can lead to low self-esteem and low self-worth.

So even if you are the female and wear the pants in the household, it is still important to make your Expressive Male partner feel like he is doing all he can do for you (even if he doesn’t in your opinion).

So if saying something like “You are my hero” is too cheesy for you, try something like “I’m so happy that you took out the garbage (even if he missed half the garbage in the house).

Since I am a little bit Expressive myself, I thought I would have fun and not tell you what Part Two will be in about – it’s a surprise and you will just have to come back in a week or two for our next post to find out what it is.

Wishing You Fun, Freedom and Love,

Melody Chase

Are you in a committed relationship and are looking for communication tools so you can have that happy and harmonious relationship you have always envisioned? Check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program at http://www.counsellorinabox.com/

2008-04-13T20:23:00.000-07:00

IS YOUR PARTNER A GOOD LISTENER? 10 WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR PARTNER IS REALLY LISTENING.

By Melody Chase

A good listener is worth their weight in gold and one of the most important foundations in a relationship is for both partners to be good listeners.

So whether you are already in a relationship and are looking for a good listener to use as a role model or if you are looking for the love of your life and one of your criteria is someone who is a good listener, it is always good to be able to recognize a good listener.

So the following are ten signs of a good listener:

1) You Can Feel That The Listener Is Fully Present And In the Moment With You: You can tell the difference between someone who is fully in the moment with you versus someone who has their mind on something else is when you are talking to the unfocused person you will get an urge to rush through what you are saying versus when you are with a person who is totally focused on you, you will feel at home and that you have all the time in the world to say what you have to say. With a person who is totally focused on you, you will almost feel like sighing because you feel so supported and because you feel like you are truly the centre of their attention.

2) The Listener Will Keep Eye Contact With You: The listener will keep constant eye contact with you, only looking away on occasion to prevent staring or awkwardness.

3) The Listener Will Nod, Smile And Give You Auditory Feedback: A good listener will nod, smile and give you auditory feedback such as “Mm hum”, “Yeah” “I see” or “No, really?” in a sincere and interested way to encourage you to continue and to indicate that they are listening.

4) The Listener Will Encourage You To Continue Talking: As you are talking, they will encourage you to continue talking. For example they will say things like “That’s really interesting” or “I find that interesting, please continue “or “I’d like to hear more.”

5) The Listener Will Parrot Back What You Are Saying When Appropriate: Every once in a while, a good listener will parrot back what you say to indicate they are paying attention and that they are right in your story with you.

6) The Listener Will Only Finish Your Sentence When Appropriate: A good listener will only finish your sentence when the timing is right, not to try to rush you through your story or to help you out when you are at a loss of words, but to show that they are on the same wave length as you.

7) The Listener Goes By the 80% Listening, 20% Talking Rule: A good listener knows that the art of being a good listener (whether that is because they just intuitively know or because they are actually aware of the rule) will listen approximately 80% of the time during the course of the conversation and spend only 20% of the conversation talking.

8) The Listener Will Keep The Conversation Focused on Your Topic of Discussion: There is nothing more annoying than to open a conversation with someone and they change the topic on you in the middle of what you are trying to express. This often happens when the person gives you an example about themselves to show that they understand what you are saying but then they keep going with their example or take the opportunity while the attention is on themselves to switch topics. A good listener if they feel the need to use an example to back up what you were saying will keep it short and will return the conversation back to what you were talking about.

9) The Listener Will Ask You Thoughtful and Open-ended Questions About What You Are Talking About: A good listener will ask you thoughtful questions that will lead you into opening up into further detail about your topic of discussion. For example, they may say something like “ So you work in the Marketing Department, tell me about some of the duties that you are in charge of or what specifically are in you charge of or what aspects of your job do you love?”

10) The Listener Knows How to Empathize With You: When a good listener feeds back how you are feeling, their description of the feeling or emotion will actually match how you are feeling. If they are off, they are dedicated to finding out how you are truly feeling versus throwing out a bunch of descriptions of how you are feeling in hopes of eventually guessing the correct feeling or emotion.

If you recognize a good listener in your life, tell them you how much you appreciate them. If you are still looking for a good listener to come into you life, it is both worth the search and the wait, because not only will they create a wonderful communication foundation for your relationship, they will always make you feel special and supported in expressing yourself.

Warm Regards,

Melody Chase

Are you looking for more information about communication and your relationship?

We Have Several Resources To Fit Your Needs:

Are you having communication problems and you are not sure whether you should stay or go in your relationship? Check out our Love By Design Book @ http://www.lovebydesignbook.com/

Are you in a committed relationship and are looking for communication tools so you can have that happy and harmonious relationship you have always envisioned? Check out our Counsellor in a Box Relationship Home Study Program @ http://www.counsellorinabox.com/

Is your relationship under a lot of stress and strain because your children don't listen and you feel like there must be a secret to parenting you are missing? We have the answers in Dr. Robby's Free "7 Lost Parenting Secrets Report". Check it out @ http://www.7lostparentingsecrets.com/

2008-03-18T18:40:00.000-07:00

Is Your Partner's Nickname "Bamm-Bamm Rubble" From The Flinstones? If So, Here Are The Top Five Tips For Dealing With The Adult Tantrum.

By Melody Chase

People want what they want in the way they want it and will do what they know or have been taught on how to get what they want either consciously or unconsciously. Sometimes the way people may try getting their needs and wants met is through having tantrums.

However there may be other factors going on that may encourage the tantrums as well, so before we go write-off our partners or other adults in our lives that have tantrums, we need to seek to understand why they are doing what they do.

So the following are 5 possible reasons for the “Adult Tantrum.”

1) It’s the Only Way They Know on How To Get Their Needs Met: Many people who have tantrums may have learned, picked up or absorbed this way of trying to get their needs met, usually from early childhood and early caregivers in their lives. Often this tantrum is what is called a control drama.

A control drama is a way or technique that people use to try to get what they want which often causes conflict and is usually learned or developed unconsciously. Although the ways that people are using control dramas may appear to work for them in the moment, often it doesn’t achieve their goals and causes damage in the relationship.

Common control dramas include crying, yelling, screaming, hurting themselves, (consciously or unconsciously) breaking things or throwing things or even criticism or guilt-tripping.

Your partner may be choosing to use control dramas either consciously, because it is all he or she knows or unconsciously and are just going on automatic pilot.

What you can do as the witness or the partner of the control drama king or queen is not to judge him or her, just allow your partner to be who he/she is, understanding that your partner either does not know what he/she is doing or is choosing to do so because he/she doesn’t know of any other way to get his/her needs met.

The next most important thing is while acknowledging your partner’s needs and his/her tantrum, understand that it is a control drama and do not give in to him or her all because your partner is trying to be dramatic and intense in order get you to do what he/she want you to do.

Lastly, as a couple, offer to go for Communication and Conflict Resolution Classes or Courses or read some books together so both of you can learn alternate ways on how to get each other’s needs met, but do it together so it doesn’t look like it is your partner who has the problem.

2) People Have Learned That Life is all About Survival: Similar to people who use control dramas, most people have been taught to believe that they need to fight, struggle and be aggressive because they have been conditioned to believe that the world is not abundant and there is limited resources so in order to strive they have fight, it is either win or lose in life.

In a case like this, one of the best ways to deal with an aggressive partner, who flips his or her lid, is not to react or retaliate back, be a silent role model of how one gets their needs met without being aggressive. I don’t mean ignore your partner, but just don’t up the ante to your partner’s level if you are having a disagreement or a discussion or not getting what you want.

It’s really hard to have a big argument with someone if you are not fueling the fire, eventually your partner will defuse because he or she is not getting any resistance from you.

3) They have a Trigger: When a person has an unresolved emotional wound, usually from childhood, what often happens is that they will be “triggered” when something reminds them or makes them feel like they did when they had the original emotional wound happen to them.

You can tell if a person has been triggered because they will overreact way out of proportion to the situation at hand.

For example, your partner was ignored by his/her parents as a child, and today you didn’t respond to your partner’s question because you didn’t hear him/her and he/she go off they deep-end thinking that you are intentionally ignoring him or her.

So your partner needs to release and heal the original emotional wound. Your partner can get therapy of course, but you can also talk with him/her and ask him/her what other time in his/her life did he/she feel the way he/she does when he/she has been triggered.

Having you listen and be a witness to your partner’s pain, and especially if you can validate and empathize with him or her, that may be enough for him/her to be able to heal and no longer be triggered anymore.

In the meantime, if you know what your partner’s trigger is, try not to antagonize him or her with it.

4) Their Personality Is More Pre-dispositioned To Getting Angry or Blowing Up: There are many different types of personality styles and ways of testing personalities, but for the purposes of this article, let’s talk about two types of personalities that are more prone to be emotional or flipping their lids known as Driver Personalities and Expressive Personalities.

Just a brief explanation, Driver Personality people are bottom-line, aggressive people who like results, tasks, control, dominance and authority. They are independent, goal-oriented, bossy, and sometimes even rude.

Expressive people are emotionally based, love people, dominant and friendly, love freedom and appreciation, approval, centre stage, change their minds a lot, are charming, humorous and fun. They have excellent people skills.

Drivers get especially upset if they are taken off task and if their A-B is disrupted, plus because they are what is called a task-centred personality versus people-centred, meaning tasks come first before people, they really aren’t focused or concerned if they offend or make other people upset. They are also a dominant personality, so they are more likely to use control dramas.

Then the Expressive personality, even though they are people-centred, are the Control drama kings and queens because they understand people, are very influencing, emotional, where their hearts on their sleeves and need their freedom, so they will react strongly when things aren’t going their way.

So once again, you need to love and allow your partner to be who he/she is instead of being in judgment of his/her personality, and when you can, try to assist your Driver partner in accomplishing his/her tasks and getting from point A-B and if your partner is Expressive, love him/her for who he/she is, compliment him/her and give your partner as much freedom and fun as you can.

5) They May Have a Medical Condition or Have a Low Frustration Level: An adult having a tantrum may also have a medical condition or be physically or mentally exhausted.

I walked around for years having Hypoglycemia without being aware of having it, until this one point in my life were I started having too much processed foods and refined sugar.

It caused my sugar to go out of whack and to my surprise (since I am usually a mellow and gentle person) I became a raving maniac when my sugar was plunging and there wasn’t anything I could do until I got my sugar up. Ask any Diabetic who would have the same problem and they’ll tell you what I am talking about.

As well, a person may snap if they are under a lot of continuous stress and if their nerves are frayed, they may not be as resilient as they used to be which can lead to low frustration levels.

You can’t force your partner to change his/her diet or lifestyle, but you can keep an eye out for him/her to see if he/she has eaten.

Often once someone’s sugar’s plunged and they are already really upset and angry they are not focused or interested in eating so you have to keep an eye out for them and encourage them to eat or help get them food or something to drink or help prepare food.

If you are arguing, step back and let them eat and resume your discussion at a later time - it is in both of your best interest.

Same thing for if you see your partner struggling on his/her last nerve either support him/her or give your partner some space, nothing is going to get resolved if your partner is having a tantrum for either of you.

As I always say, people always do things for a reason. When we give people the benefit of the doubt and seek to understand we can support and resolve both the people in our lives including our partner’s needs and our own needs with ease and comfort.

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